A Taser thread?
The following is mandatory whenever a taser thread is posted.
Enjoy:
>>>>>>>>>>Nothing thrills me like seeing someone go down by taser. Their screams for mercy and convulsions are a hoot.
Then you will be laughiing your A$$ off over this...
My wife, Gretchen, is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, hey yall, hold my beer and watch this! Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larrys Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Gretchen. The occasion was our 14th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If youve never seen one of these things in action, then youre truly missing out-way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we dont need no stinkin directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that Id get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . Im easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldnt be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog , Moscow, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Moscow) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Moscow for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Barb to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while Im looking at this little device (measuring about 5 long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, no friggin way!
Friggin way-trust me, but Im getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. Im sitting there alone, Moscow looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, dont do it buddy, reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldnt hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldnt you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Dont ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! Im pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Moscow was standing over me making barking sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, do it again, do it again! (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.)
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. Youre not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if youre lucky, you wont dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BIT%CH that hurt! A minute or so later (I cant be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, Im pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. Im offering a reward. Theyre round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss em . . . sure would like to get em back!
AMIGO, DONT EVER DO THIS!
I picked up one of these tiny wonders. It packs a ONE MILLION VOLT wallop and fits nicely into my jeans' pocket. A one second test sends out a menacing display of sparks and a loud ZZZZAP. Just firing a test burst is often enough to get an assailant to change their minds.
It's nice to have something to bridge that gap between shooting somebody or being completely helpless.
And just to confuse the issue, I was deliberately on the receiving end of one. Felt like a bee sting, I brushed it off, then dumped 17 rounds of 9mm into a suitable-sized target.
And for further confusion, I now have internal wiring that makes me take such things much, much more seriously than most people.
Upshot: both actual & psychological effect on recipient may vary from trivial to terminal - for him, or for you.
“...if carrying it comforts you, do so, but do not use it. For if you do, you may strike someone, and annoy him, and give him reason to cause you great harm.” - Jeff Cooper
that’s a funny story! Thanks for the laugh.