Posted on 03/29/2009 9:29:23 AM PDT by big black dog
It was 1 a.m., and I was sipping from the ever-full pitcher of That '70s Show, but then a commercial came on that by some bit of late-night laziness I didn't mute:
"Scott, I want you to do something."
"Not doing that again. Got burned."
What!? My cultural gaydar -- infinitely more accurate than my personal one, and we won't go there -- started the beat beat beat of its tom-tom. Then as I watched, my socks, which were still on, got knocked off, and you will see why when you click on the ad above. Here's the spot's soft-porn dialogue (which I painstakingly copied, but then found already typed on the Seattle food blog The C Is for Cocina, one of two that also picked this up):
Toaster: Scott, I want you to do something.
Scott: Not doing that again. Got burned.
Toaster: We both enjoyed that. Now I want you to introduce my greatest creation: the new Toasty Torpedo.
Scott: The new Toasty Torpedo?
Toaster: Yes, Scott. You make one.
Scott: Me?
Toaster: Put it in me, Scott. It's over a foot of flavor on a slim, sleek ciabatta for only four dollars. Say it, Scott.
Scott: Only four dollars?
Toaster: Say it sexy.
Scott: Only four dollars.
Toaster: Sexier...
Scott (sexy voice): Only four dollars.
Put it in me, Scott?
My oh my. Beam me up, Scottie!
Nitro Group's Quiznos ads are often what was once called "edgy"; you may remember the lady who devoured the $5 bill. Here, though, we've crossed a more significant line. The oven's Hal voice takes the neurotic, ultimately evil homo vibe between that pre-Stonewall male mainframe and cosmic trade Keir Dullea and inverts it to effective popcult humor without a shred of nasty effeminizing or butch Superbowl payback.
Of course, queer progress is hard to come by, or even measure. Just yesterday, the governor of Vermont said that he would veto any gay-marriage bill brought to his desk -- let's hope the lame duck is overridden. Yet some of the most optimistic evidence that bigotry is going down can be found not in the courts or even on the streets, but in the common language of commerce.
Now, should I do my duty and buy a Torpedo sub? It's only four bucks, which is less than two new New York subway fares (if that obscene increase goes through).
Let me see who's selling them....
It is a very stupid commercial that will appeal to the very audience they’re targeting.
I’m with rintense - and it’s not what this sex/porn/gay staturated society needs.
try the new Progressive insurance commercial with the 2 bone smugglers looking to save money on their auto insurance.....
...No matter where I look, I can’t find America anymore.
I hated Quiznos before this ad. I will continue to hate Quiznos after this ad.
I’ll bet within two months, another story will be posted here about a Quizno’s employee who had relations with the oven at work.
Yuck! Like you,I always turn the sound off on commercials. I heard other people talking about this one—it’s repeated over and over on American Idol.
Time to boycott Quizmo’s.
Anyway, their subs stink and are way overpriced.
Progressive Insurance is run by a rabid liberal Democrat supporting dog, probably homoistic, to boot.
I guess they couldn’t have a woman’s voice saying,
“Put it in me Scott...”, the feminists would have
been outraged. What they need is a slim torpedo.
this I knew the guy who owns it is aligned with Soros.
Peter Lewis, the company’s chairman, reportedly gave $8.5 million to the American Civil Liberties Union.
yawn
I could probably get my insurance cheaper (somehow, I still don’t believe it), but for this reason, they will never see one dollar from me!
Eeeeeewwwwwwwwww! I don’t think Queernos will ever see the likes of me again!
LOL, no kidding
Queerzmo’s?
I like quiznos, I think their sandwiches are good and it’s just a commercial.
I love how gays consider it progress to be portrayed as an inanimate object and a guy so stupid that he would burn himself attempting to have sex with an inanimate object. The human in the commercial comes off as a complete moron. If being laughed at is progress I guess they're right.
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