SNL: Fey/Poehler as Palin/Clinton THE UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

HotelSierra blog ^ | 13-JUN-2008 | SNL writers, I guess

[Yanni.Znaio]

We have obtained, through confidential sources, the UNEDITED transcript of tonight's Saturday Night Live opening sketch:

FEY:

When I was told that Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight...[audience laughs]

POEHLER:

And I was told that I would be addressing you alone...[audience laughs]

FEY:

Now I know it must be a little bit strange [audience laughs] for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain's running mate...

POEHLER:

And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama...as evidenced by this button (touches button) [audience laughs]

FEY:

But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign...

POEHLER:

An issue which I am, frankly, suprised to hear people suddenly care about...[audience laughs]

FEY:

You know, Hillary and I don't agree on every...

POEHLER:

ANYthing. [audience laughs] I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

FEY:

And I can see Russia from my house. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

POEHLER:

I believe that global warming is caused by man...

FEY:

And I believe that it's just God hugging us closer... [audience laughs, applauds]

POEHLER:

I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine...

FEY:

And I don't know what that is... [audience laughs, applauds]

POEHLER:

But Sarah, one thing we can both agree on is that sexism should never be allowed to permeate an American election.

FEY:

So please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures... [audience laughs]

POEHLER:

And stop saying I have "cankles". [audience laughs]

FEY:

Don't refer to me as a MILF. [audience laughs, hoots]

POEHLER:

And don't refer to me as a flurch- I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it... [audience laughs]

FEY:

Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like pretty, attractive, beautiful...

POEHLER:

Harpy, shrew...boner-shrinker... [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:

While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies [audience laughs] ...you know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska...

POEHLER:

Oh boy... [audience laughs]

FEY:

What's the difference...

POEHLER:

Lipstick.

FEY:

between a hockey mom... [audience laughs]

POEHLER:

Lipstick. [audience laughs]

FEY:

and a pit bull...

POEHLER:

Lipstick. [audience laughs]

FEY:

Lipstick.

POEHLER:

There ya go. [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:

Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House, and me, Sarah Palin who is even closer. [audience laughs] Can you believe it, Hillary?

POEHLER:

(sits with tight-lipped grimace, shakes head, no) [audience laughs] I cannot. [audience laughs]

FEY:

It's truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House...

POEHLER:

(spoken as a two-year-old would say it:) NOOOOO! MINE! [audience laughs] It's supposed to be mine. [audience laughs] I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President, I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman.

And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched, and clawed, [audience laughs, applauds] through mud and barbed wire, (Fey makes gesture of cocking a lever-action rifle) and you just glided in on a dogsled wearing your pageant sash and your (Fey holds up imaginary rifle) [audience laughs, applauds] (shrill voice) Tina Fey glasses (Fey puts elbows on podium and strikes cutesy pose) and ... [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

FEY:

What an amazing time we live in-- to think that just two years ago I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital. [audience laughs] And now I am just one heartbeat away from being the President of the United States. [audience laughs] It just goes to show that anyone can be President...

POEHLER:

Anyone...[audience laughs] anyone... [audience laughs]anyone (laughs)

FEY:

All you have to do is want it...

POEHLER:

(cackles, laughs maniacally) [audience laughs] Oh my God. (laughs maniacally) Yeah. You know, Sarah,

looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more. [audience laughs] (laughs maniacally again, tears piece off of podium) [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:

So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior...

POEHLER:

Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials- please, ask this one (gestures toward Fey) about dinosaurs. [audience laughs a little] So, in conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't, I will loan you mine. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

FEY:

And as we say in Alaska...

POEHLER:

We say it everywhere...

FEY, POEHLER:

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAAAY NIIIIGHT!

[Yanni.Znaio]

Personally, I thought it was great. Fey did Palin spot-on.

Poehler's Hillary wasn't quite as good as Fey's Palin, but then again, the physical resemblance wasn't quite so striking as Fey to Palin, either.

And it was almost even-handed- they got digs in at everybody.

[antceecee]

Watching SNL now.. so unfunny.
They made Palin look like a stupid bimbo and Hillary look like the intelligent but old bitter woman.

Misogyny on parade.

[conservative cat]

I thought the Palin was pretty go, but less so on Hillary. It had the appearance of being even-handed, as Hillary isn’t in the running, so there is no danger in ridiculing her.

[conservative cat]

Sorry for the typos- wish there was an edit-post option. It wasn’t quite even handed as Hillary isn’t in the running, so it doesn’t matter what they say about it. It would be like showing Biden and Romney and making fun of them both.

[Yanni.Znaio]

They do, but remember- impressions draw on common perceptions the public has about people-- or even things that are outright parodies of what people actually do, like all those things that Yogi Berra said- except for the fact that he never actually said most of them.

Think Chevy Chase portraying Gerald Ford as a klutz. Or many other impressions done on SNL, SCTV and elsewhere.

And if you read the transcript- there are valid points about sexism hidden in there, and I'll bet you that they weren't there by accident, either.

Link to sketch on YouTube

Sorry this took so long to post. Had to wait for sketch to hit YouTube (I don't have TIVO), had to get dialogue down first, then print it and lastly, mark it up for audience reaction.

So- y'all check for fairness. How many digs at Sarah vs. Hillary?

[padre35]

Rest of the show was garbage, the left love this sort of stuff, what they never realize is that they are humanizing Sarah Palin.

Heck they did a great job with Obama/Hilde on the 3 am phone call...

[antceecee]

Watching balance of broadcast now... onto a newscaster skit making fun of Palin and her family.
These people are sick.
This goes way beyond good humored parody.

[conservative cat]

By the way, I looked up Flurch. It has multiple meanings. Yuck!

Boner-shrinker was pretty funny, though.

[Yanni.Znaio]

I agree.

As I said in another thread, the only other thing that I paid attention to (I was half-listening, reading blogs and looking for the sketch to hit YouTube during the rest of the show, and actually, it got so bad I turned it off after Weekend Update) was the line in WU about polls indicating that John McCain was now only six points behind Sarah Palin.

I also said that it was a sign that you were middle-aged if you remembered when SNL was consistently funny.

[Yanni.Znaio]

You mean there was an "edit-after-posting" feature.

But that would make FR equivalent to Orwell's "memory hole".

[Yanni.Znaio]

You will note that I did not include a link to any of the places where you can look it up.

And I had to look it up, as I’d never heard the term before.

[Yanni.Znaio]

One more thing.

Anyone who’s ever worked in television or sat in a studio audience knows that there are big “APPLAUSE” signs that light up when the director thinks the audience ought to laugh.

So take the places where laughter is indicated with a grain of salt.

[Enchante]

I associate all sorts of “b.s.” with Hillary!!

[beaversmom]

I looked up too, but thought it was spelled flurge when I looked it up—someone had already asked the question on wikianswers. We weren’t the only ones.

[Earthdweller]

Always with the "uneduacated" bias...

Do these jerks ever leave the city sidewalks? I think someone should lead them out of their cubicle once and a while or put them on a time machine to 2008.

[Yanni.Znaio]

It's part of the memes they get implanted with. Liberals are smarter, and anybody who dares to disagree with them is either benighted, or worse, stupid. Read Sowell's Vision of the Anointed for the best description of this, and other ways in which liberals operate.

[Earthdweller]

It's group think. It's going to be the end of them. The rest of the Country is passing them up while they gloat at their own navels.

[JDoutrider]

I thought the opening skit was so-so ok...

I turned it off after the next skit bashing home schoolers.

It was the first time I tuned in after a decade or so, just proves I haven't missed a thing.

[dragonblustar]

ping

[dragonblustar]

ping