So, what's a girl to do?
Well, it's absolutely killing her that she's blown it simply because that idiot Mark Penn never developed a strategy for her to compete in the caucuses. Had she done so, she'd have clinched the nomination long ago. She's got momentum, she's kicking Obama's ass the last few months, but she's just about out of time, delegates, and money.
So, worried that this may well be her last chance to win the WH ( after all, think how she'll look in 8 years)she has adopted a desperate, all or nothing strategy, in which she totally abandons any principals she may have, other than a pure naked ambition for political power.
But actually, this fits in very well with the GOP, which as a party has also abandoned nearly all of its core beliefs, in an attempt to grasp, and hold onto power in DC, and dispense pork. So, it's a perfect marriage, born of mutual desparation.
Hillary will appeal directly to the GOP establishment and the delegates, making the following arguments:
1. There is no way that McCain can beat Obama. National security is the overriding issue facing the country (despite my former party's efforts to trivialize it) and no matter what you think of me, you know that I will NOT hestitate to bomb Iran and North Korea back into the stone age if they get out of line( BTW, did you all know that while I was growing up, Curtis LeMay was one of my childhood heroes?) Obama won't do it, he's a wimp, a wuss; he'll offer them a latte ( since the Muslims don't sip chablis) and biscotti, and talk, talk, talk, talk to them, yada, yada, yada. Yech!!!
2. It's a sure thing we'll win. I have about 50% of the Dem vote, and I'll get at least 40% of the GOP vote. The rest of the Republicans will stay home and sulk. But that still gives us a BIG majority, and may well help the GOP down ticket. We might even take back both Houses of Congress. Boy, oh boy, wouldn't I like to stick it to those two SOBs..that prissy wimp Reid, and that botoxed bitch Pelosi...let them see what it feels like to be back in the minority. And if the GOP does in fact win Congress, well, I promise to sign off on EVERY single damn piece of pork barrel legislation they pass. Heck, bring back the "Bridge to Nowhere" I don't give a rat's ass. Hell, if they can somehow manage to get it built in 8 years, I'll cut the friggin' ribbon myself at the opening.
3. I now make the following promises to you:
A. I will NOT pick a VP candidate. I'll open it to the convention, and let the delegates work their will. It'll be interesting, at the least. You like McCain? No prob. You got him. Make him VP..Hey, you might even get lucky, hehehe? Romney. Great. I love Mormons. Ya know, when Bill first told me about Monica, he said he was considering joining the LDS, and she was part of his "bible study group." They were learning about polygamy.I mean, what a BIG PILE OF CRAPOLA. That's actually when I threw the ashtray at him. Nailed him right on the forehead, the jerk.( Here's a little secret for you. Bet you didn't know that Dick Morris, that toe-sucking slimeball, actually polled that excuse, to see if it would fly. It didn't. Yup..he secretly polled 2500 people..only two said they believed it, and both lived in Salt Lake City.. That's when we figured we were really screwed.
B. I will name Joe Lieberman as my Secretary of Defense. I will permit my VP, and other GOP leaders to make suggestions as to other cabinet nominees. No guarantees, but I promise to listen. I mean, they don't play "Hail to the Chief" for the Sec of Transportation, so what do I really care who runs the FAA and Amtrak, let alone the Coast Guard? I'll get to fly on Air Force One, again, and come and go where and when I want, right?
C. The next president can expect to nominate two, or more Justices to the Supreme Court. I promise you here and now, that ALL my nominees to the Court will be 100% in favor of OVERTURNING Roe. It will be my ONE and ONLY litmus test. SCREW YOU, Kate Michaelman, you skinny skank!!! For 35 years I kissed your ass, voted exactly the way you wanted on EVERY issue, and then you toss me onto the garbage heap, and endorse that slug Obama..Nananananananana...
D. The day after you nominate me as your candidate, I will immediately file for divorce from Bill. He will never set foot in the Oval Office, let alone anywheres in the White House, while I am president. And as an added bonus, if Chelsea somehow manages to find someone dumb enough to marry her, the wedding will NOT be held at the White House. ( Come to think of it, after I divorce Bill, then Webb can give her away at the ceremony.)
E. And as for all you jerks and clowns in the media, who have been trying to push me out of the race for months, telling the American people 24/7 that I should drop out, while I'm winning primary after primary, cleaning Obama's clock; well, I'm going to ask Mark Levin to serve as WH Press secretary. That'll fix your collective asses. (Hmmm??? I wonder which David the GREAT ONE makes cry first, Schuster or Gregory?) We're also going to schedule the daily briefings at the same time that Oprah's on. There go her ratings. Right in the toilet. How do you like them apples, sistah?
So, in closing, MY FELLOW REPUBLICANS ( God, that sounds really, really good. Remember, I started out in politics as a Goldwater Girl!!) So let's come back home together, all of us, unite in this great crusade, and make the world safe for our children. ( I mean, did you really think I could actually give a speech without mentioning "for the children?" Oh, come on now, get real..)
I have nothing to offer you but PORK, PATRONAGE, and POLLS!! But that's what made America great. So it is with a profound sense of humility that I herby offer myself to you as your candidate.
Oh yeah, one more thing. As they say on the streets of New York City.."Tough noogies, Michelle. Sorry girl, but you ain't got enough game."
FYI.. Enjoy..
sounds about how this mess of an election season is going...
What you need sir, is an account over at DU.
Posting this over there would be priceless!
Heck, I was thinking McCain would see he has little conservative base support and leave the GOP for the Democrat nomination.
Too funny, Ken.
ken...it was tghe big talk over at Lange’s...that and the Jets QB battle...
We’d be better of with Pol Pot
Very cute, but remember the only fat lady singing so far is Hillary and she ain’t done singing yet! Don’t buy this establishment trash that Hillary’s finished and that she’s going to announce so after Kentucky. The fact is that this weeks squeals from Obama show how vulnerable he is. If W can score a knock down on him 7000 miles from Washington with a remark that only tangently refers to him, imagine what will happen when McCain gets his Irish Up and broadsides Obama on something...any thing. Obama is going to go right to the canvas and stay there for the count. No, Hillary know that and won’t throw in the towel now...she’s going to the convention because any thing can and will happen. What we’ve all forgot is the Florida and Michigan are convered entities under the 1965 Voter’s right act and all its takes is for Democratic voters from those states to bring a Federal Civil Right Law Suit to get their delegations seated and that means that those votes will have to be counted against Obama. Obama’s only hope in such a situation would be to have do over primaries in July or August ordered by the Federal Courts. Expect such an action to begin following the outcome of the Kentucky or Oregon primaries. And also remember that Bill Clinton pardoned all those Puerto Rican terrorist, oops I mean freedom fighters, just before he left office. PR has a lot of delegates and you can be sure that all of them will be going to Hillary. As they say in NASCAR the real race isn’t until the white flag waves (signalling the final lap) and so far the starter hasn’t reach for it.
Ken, you’re a scream. Bill was at Hooter’s? Looking for migratory owls, no doubt.
The only fireside chat Hillary will be holding will be to roast Obama.
She’s coming back from the convention with the nomination. If Obama plays his cards right, he might come back as the VP nominee.
After this week and whatever else lurks in the shadows, Obama’s comet is going to flame out.
Two things you don’t fool with: Mother Nature and Her Heinous.
Thanks for a good laugh. After suffering with the reality of Global Warming McCain as my candidate, I deserve something to laugh about.