Posted on 04/28/2008 1:27:24 AM PDT by B-Chan
Baby McBaby took his first steps this week — the first of many. This is, of course, a happy occasion. Yet you know me — I never let a happy occasion pass without pausing to add a bit of neuochemical Angst. Yes, I'm thrilled to see our little Soybean making his initial "one small step for mankind". I'd be worried if he didn't! Yet even as I watch those little feet move, my heart swells with joy — but also with a sharp, stinging melancholy, for I know that they are moving along a path that will eventually carry him out of my arms and away from me.
But what can I do? Carry him until he's too heavy for me to lift? Nail those little feet to the floor and pretend he'll be a baby forever, just so that Papa doesn't have to say "goodbye" some day? Of course not! No, I want him to walk. I want him to step out boldly along that long path that leads from the little house with the green-painted nursery to a world I will never see. Even though it kills me to imagine the day he walks away into his own life, I want that pain, because that is what love costs.
As I grow older, I realize more and more that love is not just the greatest thing there is — it is in a very real sense the only thing there is. In time, everything we know and do and say in this world will fade and disappear; in the final analysis, love is all that is left to us. Days pass, parties end, babies grow up into adults and walk away into the future; life seeps away day by day like sea-foam through our fingers. No matter how tightly we clutch, we cannot hold on to the tide of time — or to the ones who share our time with us. All we can hold on to is the love we have for them.
And I love my little boy. When I watch him play or eat or sleep I sometimes feel a brutal, paralyzing love, a love that can't be reasoned away or dignified with a name. I squeeze him and kiss him because I want to keep him safe, warm, and — most importantly! — all to myself. But that isn't possible. That would be selfish, unjust, and immoral. He is not my property. He is not mine to keep. He was placed in care of his mother and me by a God who is really far too generous, and he belongs to that God and to himself. Since God has given our little boy two good feet and the dignity of choosing his own path, I would be a poor father (and a damned fool) if I tried to stop him from using them. No, not this papa. I will see to it that our boy gets the best start along that path that I can give him, and then I will let him walk it, on his own, and — in time — without me.
I hate three things in this life above all others: bullying, being sleepy, and goodbyes. I particularly detest goodbyes. Yet I know full well that these first steps will lead to many others, that someday I will say goodbye to our little boy as he walks out that front door as a man. I know that someday I will say goodbye to all those whom I love — my dear wife, my friends, my family and neighbors and colleagues. The pathways of life will carry us all farther and farther apart until all are lost in the twilight — and that is as it should be.
Yet no matter how far apart we may become, nothing — not distance, not time, not death itself — can erase the love I have for them. That's what I mean when I say that love is the only thing there is. In the end, it is the only thing that even time cannot destroy.
Folks, this little essay is not meant to be sad. Far from it. It is with joy that I watch Baby take his first steps. It is with rejoicing that I contemplate the passing of years, the coming separations, the soul-piercing goodbyes that await me tomorrow. Yes, love makes us vulnerable to pain — but unless we accept that vulnerability, and the certainty of hurt that accompanies it, we will never know what it means to be truly human. I celebrate the pain of these things not out of masochism, but because they are the inevitable and natural byproducts of love — the love that makes us real persons. Thank God I can love! Thank God I can experience love's pain! Thank God for allowing me to be fully human!
Baby McBaby took his first steps this week — the first of many. And who can imagine where those little feet will take him? So walk on, my sweet little boy. Step out smartly and begin your long journey down the road of life. And when the time comes for you to break free of Papa's arms and leave him behind, remember that Mommy and I will always, always love you, no matter how far away from us the road may take you.
Walk on, little baby, walk on.
Bind his feet.
He must be ovulating.
LOL
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