Posted on 12/20/2007 10:44:11 AM PST by Charles Henrickson
Our Favorite DUmmie, William Rivers Pitt, is having trouble making points in DUmmieland anymore. Pied Piper Pitt has become Pariahed Poster Putz in the eyes of many of his former followers. How come? Well, Willie just brings this stuff on himself. Time after time, he makes himself the focus of whatever he's writing about. Time after time, he lashes out at his fellow DUmmies and then recants. Time after time--"This time for SURE!"--Wee Willie leaves DUmmieland and then returns. Most famously, perhaps, in seeking the glory of breaking a scoop, Journalist Pitt ASSURED DUmmieland, with the utmost confidence, that Karl Rove had been INDICTED on May 12, 2006. Merry Fitzmas! Uh, Will, we're still waiting.
So enough DUmmies have been burned by Pitt and can see through him, that now, when Willie does post, Pitt potshots are sure to follow. Case in point: This THREAD, "How to Rig an Election: Confessions of a Republican Operative." Pitt's opening post promotes a tell-all book by a former GOP dirty-trickster, but really, the subject matter is irrelevant. Because instantly the thread becomes all about Will! Loyal Pitt sycophants greet their semi-celebrity friend, but very soon they have to defend him against a sniping intruder! Laffs ensue!
So now let us crank up the Fitzmas carols and watch Pitt get roasted on an open fire, in Bolshevik Red, while the humble commentary of your guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, squeezing in a quick guest DUFU before getting back to real Christmas preparations, is in the [brackets]:
"How to Rig an Election: Confessions of a Republican Operative"
[Who cares, Will? Let's get on to the comments about YOU!]
Hi Will, hope your holiday is great. . . .
[Merry Fitzmas!]
Haven't seen you around in awhile... Hope you're hale & hearty!
[Hope you survive this thread, in which no one will actually talk about your topic!]
Hi Will. I'm glad to see you stopped in to post. Hope you have a warm and cozy Holiday.
[Hugs from DUmmie liberalnurse!]
Do we have to give him a warm reception?
[WHOA! A Pitt potshot from DUmmie lonestarnot!]
Absolutely! He has earned it.
[He's WILLIAM RIVERS PITT, don't you know, semi-celebrity pundit, who DEIGNS to converse with us mere mortals! Continue, DUmmie liberalnurse. . . .]
By the way, may I ask you to be nice tonight?
[By the way, liberalnurse, thank you for unwittingly participating in this thread hijacking.]
Ugh no and no as I wasn't talking to you.
[DUmmie lonestarnot will NOT be nice!]
We choose to. You can choose differently. On a different thread. In other words, piss off.
[DUmmie tavalon to the defense of Will! Also off-topic. Hee hee!]
Bite me! I wasn't talking to you either! My post is clearly directed to Will Pitt, owner of Hairy Bastid, so buzz the f*ck off!
[Biting, buzzing, fighting words! DUmmie lonestarnot is a real Texas fire ant, with an animus against Will!]
"Do we have to give him a warm reception?" Let's deconstruct that, shall we? First, "we", is either the royal we, or the peanut gallery of DUers. You aren't royal and I'm one of the peanut gallery. Therefore, you were addressing me. Second, you should have used "you" instead of "him" in the second part of your sentence if you really were addressing Will. You were actually using a sideways snipe and I called you on it.
[The peanut gallery is deconstructing! Call off the snipers!]
The question was directed to Pitt. The use of we, you are correct, was intended to mean subject DUers and in that event, you've probably never been on a snipe hunt, and I am not having this conversation, you are having it with yourself, as I NEVER snipe sideways! Always f*cking head-on, so why don't you head-on, APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD. And by the way, I am royal as is indicated in my screen name STAR, LONESTARNOT (and, yes, that would be a DUer reference, dee dee f*cking dee)
[Thread hijack almost complete!]
I have no f*cking idea what you just said. . . .
[Me either, but at least it was off-topic.]
woot! me too.
[woot!]
you who has no friends I have a question: Why are you being an ass?
[DUmmie NewHampster opens a can of woot-ass! Continue. . . .]
Will has more good Democratic genes in his pinkie than you have in your entire spineless body.
[It's all about Will!]
The only reasons I can think for you to troll will's thread is that you are A) A brainless nincompoop or B) a rethug troll.
[Or C) you have been burned by Will repeatedly over the past 24 business months.]
What the hell is going on? So confused...
[Clueless Will Pitt staggers out of Bukowski's to find THIS?! "Wha' hoppen to my thread??!!"]
that jerk lonestarnot was stalking my bud Liberalnurse. How the heck are you Will?
[Dazed and confused.]
Oh, come on Will, you know there are people who stalk your threads just to poop on you.
[Pooped-on Poster Pitt.]
I didn't know if it was something else.
[No, Will, it's all about YOU!]
I think several misinterpreted what lone said thought she was talking about being nice to you, when, I took it as she was asking if we had to be nice to the republican guy.
[Oh, riiight, DUmmie Horse with no Name. Nice spin effort. And nobody cares about the Republican guy from the opening post anyhow.]
Gotcha. Thanks.
[Will accepts the revisionist thread history so as to not disturb his Feng Shui.]
Learn how to f*cking read. . . .
[DUmmie lonestar will NOT accept this revisionist spin!]
Did you mean giving Will Pitt a warm reception, or the Republic guy? Mea Culpa if you meant the latter. I thought you were dissing Will Pitt.
[DUmmie tavalon extends the olive branch to DUmmie lonestar.]
Take your mea culpa and your stupid ass to hell.
[I WAS dissing Will Pitt!]
This is quite possibly the strangest sub-thread I've ever read on DU.
[BWAHAHA!!! Total thread hijack!! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!]
It's art.
[Yes, Will, you are the Bob Ross of DUmmieland! Happy accidents!]
Welcome back Mr Pitt.
[I think after this Mr. Pitt may well retreat to Mother Pitt's cabin in the woods for the holidays.]
This sounds wonderful. Have been hoping some of them would finally break with the group and start letting the public know what they've been doing against the country.
[Huh, what? OH, you're talking about the supposed topic of this thread! No wonder I was confused!!]
Everybody's talkin' 'bout me
I don't hear a word they're sayin'
Only the hands held on my ears
People mock and laughin'
I can't see their faces
'Specially in case I disappear
I'm goin' where I stand with Sheehan
In a roadside ditch
Goin' where the weather suits my clothes
Headin' off to my happy place
Even if in my mind
And skippin' over the dancepad in my home
Pitt Ping!
top ten!
#3!
top 10
it’s the pitts.
D'oh!
“Pungent Pied Piper Picked (and Pickled), film at 11” top 5.
I am still calling it a business top 5.
How dare the DUmmies question the wisdom of the mighty William “Whiskey Rivers” Pitt?
benburch LOVES giving Will warm receptions.
Pitt must have returned only after discovering there indeed was a door nob on Bukowski’s bathroom door.
Feel the Love!
Honestly, Pitt bores me. He’s become a caricature of a caricature.
I hadn’t noticed the angelic Lil Beaver before. It he new?
.
INDICT FITZMAS
Tune: "White Christmas"
I'm fixing to indict Fitzmas
Just 'cause it never seems to show.
With the networks massing
And hours passing,
I hear crickets chirping no.
I'm fixing to indict Fitzmas
With every angry post I write.
May our frogs start marching tonight,
Because all these Fitzmases aren't right!
.
IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE FITZMAS
Tune: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"
It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas
Never will arrive
We've been waiting since who knows when
We've missed it once again
So wake me when it's twenty twenty-five.
It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas
Won't include a Rove
'Cause it looks like his name's been shoved
To the very back burner of
The indictment stove.
A pair of federal counts with long prison amounts
Is the wish of goodboy and ben
Crowds that will gawk as he does a perp walk
Is the hope of Will Pitt and friends
The DUmmie Ants would love the chance to send Rove to the pen!
It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas
Never will appear
Now the crew at the courthouse door
Is looking kind of bored
'Cause they've been there since earlier this year.
It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas
Comes in fits and starts
But the funniest thing of all
Are the hopes that rise and fall
In the DUmmies' hearts!
.
THE TWENTY-FOUR (BUSINESS) HOURS OF FITZMAS
Tune: "The Twelve Days of Christmas"
On the twenty-fourth hour of Fitzmas
My truthout gave to me:
Twenty-four bonus hours
Twenty-three bogus sources
Twenty-two sealed indictments
Twenty-one new excitements
Twenty Leopolds leaping
Nineteen FReepers freeping
Eighteen crowded dockets
Seventeen Sonny Crocketts
Sixteen corks a-popping
Fifteen-hour meeting
Fourteen Freudenschades
Thirteen Pipers piping
Twelve DUmmies griping
Eleven Roves a-packing
Ten dollars lacking
Nine shots at Skinner
Eight crows for dinner
Seven crews amassing
Six days a-passing
Five LOUSY TROLLS!
Four Patton Boggs
Three fresh blogs
Two marching frogs
And a Pitt ribbed in a parody!
BLUE FITZMAS
Tune: "Blue Christmas"
By Jason Leopold
I'll have a blue Fitzmas without news
I've got those Blew It Bigtime Truthout Blues
No indictments were read on that day back in May
Don't be dismayed, friends, it's just a slight delay
And when those cruel DUmmies start tauntin'
That's when those blue mem'ries start hauntin'
All DU may delight, with their critics so bright
But I'll have a blue, blue Fitzmas
I'll have a blue Fitzmas, that's no sh*t
When I could use backup, there's no Pitt
Former readers can turn and go on the attack
Don't look for help, though, if Will Pitt's got your back
And when those cruel DUmmies start tauntin'
That's when those blue mem'ries start hauntin'
All DU may delight, with their critics so bright
But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Fitzmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE FITZMAS
'Twas the night before Fitzmas, when all through the house
Not a FReeper was typing or using their mouse.
Their essays were stored in a file they called "Pitt"
In hopes that the contest would show off their wit.
The authors had wrestled all week to write bad,
While versions of Willie's prose ran off their pad.
And PJ in his perch there atop DUFU Towers
Had just settled his blogs for a few business hours.
When up on the DUFUs there arose such a ruckus,
I sprang from my deep snooze to see what the fuss was.
Away to "My Comments" I flew bada-bing!
Went straight to a Pitt thread to check out the ping.
The mood of delight at a new-written post
Was not what amazed or surprised me the most.
For what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a wee little DUmmie who was holding a beer!
With a bald head, an earring--I've got to admit,
I knew in a moment it must be Will Pitt!
More vapid an English I never had heard,
With sentence on sentence and word upon word.
"Now deader! Now duller! Now wordy and prolix!
On pompous! On pond'rous! Impress PJ-Comix!
Till the end of the page! Till a volume you fill!
Now write away! Write away! Write it like Will!"
He spoke not much more, which was so unlike Pitt;
He usually rambles and piles up his spit.
We wondered the cause of this newfound restraint--
Oh, not that we're angry or making complaint!
Was there something amiss? What's the worst that we feared?
But we heard Pitt exclaim, ere he soon disappeared:
"I've got to get back--a new essay to write!
I just heard that Fitz . . . is about to indict!"
The thing that struck me FUnnie about this thread was how Pitt's opening post was totally IGNORED! And then the befuddled Pitt himself has very little to say, while his defenders and the "sniper" hijack the thread!
Also, remember, it's not always the DUmmie posts themselves that make for the humor here, it's what we do with them! That calls for some creativity on our part!
Is he DUmb? Listen, bud
Hoaxmas fell on him with a thud
Can he flame at his foes?
Read it on Daily Kos
Truth Out! Here comes the Magic Man!
In the Pitt of night
Booze goes right to his head
Spoiling for a fight
He tells Skinner "Drop dead!"
Magic Man, Magic Man,
Friendly neighborhood Magic Man
Truth and facts, he's ignored
Ridicule's his reward
To him, life is all freudenschade
Whereever there's bulldada
You'll find the Magic Man!
Now now, you'll get benburch excited with that kinky talk........
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