Posted on 06/07/2007 10:29:50 AM PDT by PercivalWalks
I've often criticized what one might call the "paternal abandonment script"--the standard assumption that if a father doesn't remain in his children's lives after a divorce or separation, it's because he "abandoned the family" and/or chose to remove himself from his children's lives.
This script is pushed heavily by both the left and the right, including: feminists; influential fatherhood expert David Blankenhorn of the Institute for American Values; presidential candidate Barack Obama; former Vice-President Dan Quayle (and his famous 1992 Murphy Brown speech decrying fatherlessness); and countless others.
I've detailed in numerous newspaper columns the many barriers mothers and the family law system place between fathers and their children and won't reprise the argument here. But many times I see references to fathers who "abandoned" their kids when, upon closer inspection, it is very unclear that such "abandonment" occurred. This is particularly common when dealing with African-American fathers.
I noticed this again recently when reading the autobiography of Dick Allen (pictured), probably the best hitter in the major leagues during much of my childhood. There are numerous media references to Dick Allen (aka Richie Allen) being raised by a single mother. For example, in Dick Allen, the Phillies, and Racism, William C. Kashatus writes, "Allen was the youngest of three boys raised by a single mother."
The Encyclopedia of Arkansas reports that Dick Allen was the son of "Era Allen and her husband, a traveling truck driver who later divorced her. Era Allen raised her youngest son primarily on her own."
Allen doesn't focus on this issue in his autobiography, but in passing makes several assertions which contradict the paternal abandonment script written about his family life. According to Allen, his mother and father had a rocky, up and down relationship which finally ended when the couple divorced. That's not exactly "abandonment."
Allen's mother and father divorced when Allen was 15, meaning that the father had been with the mother as they raised all of the other children and up until Allen, the youngest, was almost grown. That's not exactly "abandonment," either.
In the book, Allen wonders what became of his father, but says that he would never discuss it in his family because any mention of his father greatly upset his mother. In other words, Allen thought that if he had a relationship with his father, it would have been a betrayal of his mother. Allen was fiercely loyal to mother, often with good reason. But the "having a relationship with your dad is a betrayal of mom" is a central part of Parental Alienation. Again, this isn't exactly "abandonment."
Dick Allen's father was a traveling truck driver, so he was probably gone a lot even during the time his relationship with Allen's mother was good. Allen's dad probably wasn't a Father of the Year candidate, but there's not much evidence that he was a bad guy, either. All we know for sure is that he didn't get along with Allen's mother. And that doesn't mean he abandoned his kids or was a bad father.
To read more about similar issues, please visit GlennSacks.com.
The Father never atttmepted to contact his children again? This is definitely abandonment made worse by the age of the kids. Imagine having your father leave and never contact you after he had been your Dad for 15 years. This father is a low-life and does not deserve any sympathy.
I hear plenty of excuses from Dads who do not see their kids. It’s always the Mom’s fault. In some cases, Mom puts of walls and tries to shaft Dad and the kids really. However, the good guys keep trying. Those who don’t will never understand what fatherhood means. Being a Father isn’t for sissies.
I hear plenty of excuses from Dads who do not see their kids. It’s always the Mom’s fault. In some cases, Mom puts of walls and tries to shaft Dad and the kids really. However, the good guys keep trying. Those who don’t will never understand what fatherhood means. Being a Father isn’t for sissies.
I can see how once the wife has succeeded that some men just move on. I won’t, but I can see how it can happen. Try living it.
Indeed nyconse, try living it.
I've paid over $30K (legal bills) in my attempts to stay in my children's lives. It's not always as easy as it sounds. It is also very discouraging to listen what can sometimes come out of the mouths of brainwashed children.
Consider:
1. Most divorces are initiated by the mother.
2. Most custody disputes *both* parents want more contact with kids.
3. Mothers “win” when they get full custody - more money to them.
4. Family courts are notorious in their anti-male and anti-father bias, a consequence of the poisoning of culture and the laws against men by the feminists.
All this adds up to a system where men may end up with no contact with kids, through no fault of their own, and with kids estranged from a parent due to what the main parent tell them (lies like “your daddy hates you and wants nothing to do with you” when in fact the mother is causing the separation).
I hear you...my husband’s ex went to a battered women’s shelter (she was not abused) and then involved a series of child therapists (who called DFYS twice for incidents that weren’t incidents and were investigated and ruled nothing) and used these folks to give her the script for screwing him.
After all the shenanigans, the court saw him as an abuser even though no abuse occurred...the mere suggestion of it was enough for them to cya....and he has lost almost every motion.
She got lifetime alimony (nevermind that before kids she was making six figures) and sole custody.
Nevermind that she smeared his name all over town, showed legal documents to anyone she could (making the schools, coaches, rec dept and church) step back from us like we have the plague....
Nevermind that to this day, she tells their children that the divorce was 100% his fault because he is a bad man and an abuser...that she was a victim and an innocent in it all...she kept the kids from him for 18 months, and then only allowed visitation that was supervised...
And yet, after all that, after all the money spent, claims of abuse, etc. The week that they agreed to the financial settlement she wanted, and he gave in to every deman, suddenly the supervised visits were dropped and they spent the weekend with him.
It just makes me sick.....and the kids are the pawns
I have lived it in reverse. I was married as a teen. My ex did everything he could to destroy my relationship with my daughter. He lied, slandered etc. I had custody, but when she was 14, the courts allowed her to choose. She wanted to live with her Dad. She came back about a year later. Living with Dad wasn’t that great. I understand how an ex-spouse who has no consideration for his/her children can undermine a parent. However, I never gave up, and I have no respect for men or women who do. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for almost 20 years. Divorce is difficult for parents. However, you probably already know it is a disaster for kids.
First of all, I know plenty of women who are divorced because their husbands initiated it. I have female friends who pay support for children living with Fathers. Many of these Fathers attempted custody in order to avoid paying child support.
One case comes to mind where the child was basically left alone from the early afternoon until late at night. She was 12 and scared to death. She got up alone, went to school alone and made her own dinner. Dad worked late and then he had a social life-didn’t he deserve it after all (sarcasm). She told her Mom who tried to stop it to no avail. Eventually, she told a guidance counselor at school who called in DFACS. Mom regained custody. Dad made lots and lots of money. Mom was a teacher who was home in the afternoon and couldn’t afford high priced lawyer as could her ex. There are rats of both sex’s who make their children’s lives a living hell.
See below; I did live it. I was non-custodial parent with a vicious ex.
Men need to rebuild the culture they destroyed when they voted to make no-fault divorce the law.
Return to something women can understand: Whoever destroys the marriage - loses the kids.
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