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NOTE: This was taken from AccuWeather.com's Joe Bastardi's column. Joe's daily column is available on AccuWeather.com Professional which is a subscription-only weather website.
If Caesar Were A Climatologist... Marc Antony's NEW Speech (June 16, 2006)
Since we have found out that the earth is as warm now as 2000 years ago, this reprint of a post of 6/16/06 is worth the read, for those that have a sense of humor, and maybe, just maybe, still have an open mind on the NATURAL variability of the earths climate. ----
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Many scientists believe parallel universes exist to ours. One such one may have existed around the time of Rome, and time when the climate was warmer than today, and Romans were concerned about Caesar's stubbornness in dealing with the issue of Global Warming. Here is an exclusive... Marc Antony's speech in Act 3 Scene 2 of Julius Caesar. In this world, Caesar was a Climatologist and was apparently at odds with the Climate Models. The text deletes the responses of the crowd and deals with Antony's words only.
Friends, Romans, Citizens of the World, lend me your laptops.
For I come to bury the notion of cyclical warming, not to praise it
The evil of Global Warming lives well after it goes,
The good of adaption to cycles is never brought up.
So let it be with the ideas of Caesar. The noble Climate Models
hath told you that Rome is causing warming
If it is so, tis a grievous fault
A grievously are those believing different paying for it.
Here, without the Models and their creators
for the Climate Models are honorable entities
so are all who follow them, all honorable men-
Come I to speak at the funeral of Caesar
He was my friend, a great synoptician and climatologist
But the Models say he was stubborn,
and the Models are a honorable and always right
The system Caesar had brought much to Rome
Whose people prospered like no other
Was this in Caesar causing the warming?
When there was no air conditioning, we created them
It saved lives, did this cause too much warming?
But the Models say Caesar caused Global Warming
and the Models are all honorable and always right.
You all did see the evidence of warmer times
It has happened once, twice , thrice,
and Thrice it turned colder again, is this Global Warming?
Yet the Models say we cause the warming
and the Models are honorable and always right.
And sure, their creators are honorable and always right
I speak not to disprove what the Models say
But here I am to speak what I do know
We all loved our way of life once, not without cause
What causes you then not to mourn for its passage
O balance of ideas, thought art fled to brutish beasts.
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me
My ideas are in the coffin there with Caesar
and I must pause till they come back to me...
...Yesterday the words of the past experience might
have stood against the world, now there they lie
And no one does them reverence.
Oh readers, If I were disposed to stir
Your hearts and minds to reading the facts
I should do the Models, and Modelers wrong
But you know, they are honorable and always right
I will not do them wrong, I rather choose
To wrong the past, to wrong myself and you
Than I would wrong the almighty honorable Climate Models
But here is a parchment with the seal of Caesar
I found it in his closet, tis his Doctorate in Climate Change.
Which I do not mean to read
And they would go and kiss dead Caesars wounds
and dip their napkins in the oil of his SUV
Yes beg a hair of him for memories,
which can be beautiful and yet
what's too painful to remember, we simply must forget
(Apparently Barbara Streisand assisted Shakespeare in this parallel Rome in writing this. How else could exist that last line?)
Have patience, gentle friends, I must not read it
It is not meant you know how Caesar studied this
You are not wood, nor stones, but men
and being men, reading the thesis of Caesar
It will inflame you, which could lead to more human-induced Global Warming
Tis good that you not know what his studies said
For if you should, then what will come of it!...
Will you be patient, will you stay awhile?
I have o'ershot myself to tell you of it
I fear I wrong the honorable Climate Models
Whose results stab Caesars Climate Change thesis...
You will compel then, to read his thesis
Then make a ring about the classroom
and let me show you what is in the thesis
Shall I open this, and then will you give me leave?
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now
You all do remember Caesars work on climate
The first time he ever discovered cycles
Twas on a hot summers evening, in his tent
southwest wind bringing the air mass in from Africa
across the Mediterranean as the upper ridge got displaced north.
Look, in this place one Model ripped out that passage
See what another did in trying to change his data
Through this page, one of his students turned on him at a conference
and as he twisted the data to fit the Model
the thesis of Caesar was being torn to shreds
And defending his ideas with evidence of past cycles
If the Models unkindly disputed or no
For the Models were something he welcomed
Judge how open minded he was about new information
And that was the most unkind cut of all
for when the models he supported stabbed him
Ingratitude, more strong than the traitors arm
Quite vanquished him, then burst his mighty thesis
and no matter how he brought up the facts
Even at the base of Pompey's Statue
Which all the while knew he was right, his thesis was ripped
And oh what a rip that was my countrymen
There I and you and all the things we relied on fell down
Whilst new age "latest science" flourished over the hard work of decades
On now you see, and I perceive, you fell
The dint of pity. these are gracious drops
Kind souls, what, weep you when you but behold
The ideas of years and years in Caesars thesis
Here is is, marred as you see, with Model mayhem
(Knowing the facts, the citizenry erupts, but Antony speaks anew)
...Good friends, sweet friends, let me not stir you up.
To a flood of mutiny
The Climate Models are honorable, and always right.
What incorrect data they have, alas I know not.
That they say these things: they are always right, and honorable
And will not doubt, with time, verify
I come not friends, to steal your heart away
I am no Modeler, and not high tech
But you know me all, a plain, bunt synoptician
That loves the weather, and that they know full well
That gave me a chance, to speak of cyclical warming of Caesar
For I have neither the math, not the models, nor worth,
action, nor utterance, nor the power of Hollywood (how did he know back then? amazing eh)
To make movies on Global Warming. I only speak right on.
I tell you that which you do know
Show you the ideas Caesar had, poor, poor dumb mouth
That I was a Modeler, and had a Model
that showed the cycles to be as they are, facts
The stones of Rome would rise up and mutiny...
Yet hear me countrymen, let me speak...
Well friends you go to do you know not what
Wherein hath Caesar thus deserved your loves
Alas you know not, so I must tell you.
You have forgot the thesis I told you of.
Here is the thesis on climate change
That its been warm before, it will be warm again and it will cool
from time to time. Moreover it will warm even further
before it cools again, as that as what has happened.
Cycles in the ocean, solar cycles, volcanic activity
are a just a few of many, many items that can determine
our climate. We are in a warm cycle now.
Why do we have palm trees all over the place? How have our
armies conquered to shores once covered in ice?
Just how do men in togas get over the Alps?
Have you ever seen a Roman fight in an Arctic parka?
We don't have to.
Cause its warm, as it was before. but years from now, should
Rome not wake up and use a bit of common sense,
the empire will fall and the snows will return, all the way
to Rome. THAT IS THE THESIS OF CAEASAR.
Here was a Climatologist... When comes such another?