It Depends on the Definition of "Need" (Are men attracted to needy women?)

Yahoo discussion group ^ | 6-30-06 | Dear Margo Column

[Enterprise]

"?DEAR MARGO: I am a 38-year-old successful female who is emotionally and financially secure. I have been told that I am very attractive and intimidate men. I would like to get married but am thought to be too independent"

[HairOfTheDog]

When I was 25 and single, marrying a 38 year old man was the last man I'd consider dating.

Agreed. And it came up once, and went over like a lead balloon.

[marajade]

LOL!

[Enterprise]

Naw, just smarter than marmalade.

[marajade]

At the tender age of 24 I had an offer of marriage from an older (40ish) man who had a boat load of cash. Had a Caddy, a 60 ft boat, a 4,000 sq foot house, and wanted me to stop working.

I just couldn't get into that. I wanted to live a life full of fun and felt what he was offering above a bit smothering and dull.

I guess I made the right decision, because now I'd probably be a rich and lonely widow and that would only make me be very unhappy.

[marajade]

Right, not!

I'm here on this superficial thread you started posting really substantive relationship stuff... and what are you posting?

Pictures of women who belong in Playboy.

[Enterprise]

I make the assumption that a Femichick is already a head case. Gives me the shivers.

God bless and protect our troops on this 4th of July 2006. Our people, suffering and dying, to bring to others the freedom we have been blessed with for 200 years. Lord, hear our prayer.

[Enterprise]

I was trying to say that, and you said it better.

[HairOfTheDog]

Well, we can be happy or unhappy with or without money. I've seen both :~) And I know people with great age differences can make it, I've seen that too. It can be good, even knowing the sadness to come. But I see it as a great sacrifice being offered, and I don't think highly of someone who would ask it lightly. It's selfish to the extreme to shop outside your own generation for a life mate, no matter what benefit you think you're offering for the short term.

[Old_Mil]

Dear Ms. Independent,

Congratulations on your success. Don't listen to a thing Margo has to say, lest it sink you further into this mire of your own making.

If the thought that you are "too independent" has percolated into your consciousness, you can rest assured that it is setting off alarm bells for men as well. When translated into English, "too independent" typically translates into "too selfish." You know - like that lady who called Dr. Laura wondering if she should divorce her husband to get a second cat because her husband was allergic to the little buggers?

Please understand that this doesn't "intimidate" men - it annoys us. Coming from a long line of successful men who believed that it was our job to go out and slay the mammoth while it was our wives' jobs to stay at home and raise the babies, this preoccupation with mammoth slaying among modern feminists is annoying to us. A man does well if he marries a teacher. He does better if he marries a housewife.

So yes, Margo, extreme independence in a woman is sort of like leprosy in terms of marriage. Of course, since this is the 21st century, you are in luck. As you've grown so accustomed to wearing the pants in your world, why not seek out a Himbo?

This would be a relatively uneducated, unsuccessful, yet handsome male, perferably a dozen or so years younger to you. He will be attracted to your success and you can keep him around as a househusband.

...unless of course, you find that your biology dictates that life as a man is less fulfilling than you thought it would be.

[HitmanLV]

Everyone has different tastes, and everybody gets what they deserve. While a lot has changed, a 38 year old man and a mid-20s woman dating is still more common than a mid 20s man dating a 38 year old woman.

Most of the men I know my age, who aren't married, are dating women about 10 years younger than they are. We can't all be anomalies: at least some women are buying what we are selling (and it's not like we are terribly rich, either).

On the other hand, most of the single women I know in their mid 30s or so would certainly date a man in his mid 20s. their problem is broader in scope: they can't get men interested, whether he is 25 or 35. They aren't bad looking women, and they aren't bad women. At middle age, they are just finding it difficult to find a quality man, and keep him interested.

[marajade]

"At middle age, they are just finding it difficult to find a quality man, and keep him interested."

I find that hard to believe. What would a 38 year old man have in common with a 25 year old woman besides sex?

[HitmanLV]

What does the line you quoted have to do with your question? that had to do with middle aged women I know who can't find any man.

[marajade]

"You know - like that lady who called Dr. Laura ..."

There's the first biggie mistake she's right there.

[marajade]

Personally, I think you're a little blinded.

[HitmanLV]

You still didn't answer the question.

But I'll answer your question. A mid 20s woman and a late 30s man can have a lot in common: similar world view, aligned values, similar goals, compatible temperaments, etc.

In other words, the same things that any two people of a range of ages can have in common.

Blindness has nothing to do with it.

[marajade]

"A mid 20s woman and a late 30s man can have a lot in common: similar world view, aligned values, similar goals, compatible temperaments, etc."

Yes they can. But you seem to make it feel like the only and final qualifier.

[HairOfTheDog]

You are playing the role of the player on the thread, who looks at women as choices you don't have to commit to longer than you would a meal. All you know is the relatively easy rush of new conquests. New relationships are ~easy~ to make exciting. You might find it is you who has a hard time holding the interest of a potential mate for the long term, it's not a skill that comes easy.

I feel for the woman in the article, she's confused about how to have a good, successful, and lasting and loving relationship... so are a lot of people. That's a human flaw, not a female one.

[SauronOfMordor]

Most normal women can't meet the standard of looks you all have set up for us in judging the pictures you've posted in this thread.

While I put "reasonably attractive" as one of the criteria in my post #90, it wasn't the only factor. But it is a factor for most guys, with various guys giving it different weights. OTOH, guys learn early on that the supermodel-types are nice to look at, but are not worth the cost of actually pursuing

Guys are biologically hard-wired to be attracted to healthy, fit women in their prime childbearing years. What we call "attractive" is the composite of factors that lead a guy to the judgment that this is a healthy, fit, young woman

One big difference between men and women is that a guy is more likely to operate on the basis of "go out with the best woman who will go out with me", rather than stay home. Women, OTOH, are more likely to stay home rather than date somebody who doesn't meet their "standards".

[SauronOfMordor]

When I go to the gym I go to workout and sweat and wear glasses and wear workout clothes. The gym would be the last place, at least for me, to think about the ideal place to meet someone

I tend to view women as being at the height of attractiveness when they're covered in sweat. I don't think I'm alone in this

[marajade]

" ...it wasn't the only factor."

And what was the other one you listed? Something about being worth talking to?

Two big putoffs.