It Depends on the Definition of "Need" (Are men attracted to needy women?)

Yahoo discussion group ^ | 6-30-06 | Dear Margo Column

[Enterprise]

"?DEAR MARGO: I am a 38-year-old successful female who is emotionally and financially secure. I have been told that I am very attractive and intimidate men. I would like to get married but am thought to be too independent"

[marajade]

What does a 38 year old man have to offer a 25 year old independent woman?

[HitmanLV]

For many guys, having somebody who is cheerful, affectionate, and fun to be with is more "valuable" than having somebody who brings home a big paycheck of her own

I think this is exactly it. Women who aren't finding compatible mates are more likely than not just selling something that most men aren't interested in buying.

[Perdogg]

HitmanLV, I feel the exact same way. It's hard because anything younger than 27 I cannot really relate to, and the demographics here make available women 30 and 40 impossible to meet and date.

Those guys who are in their early 20s have it made. There are a ton of young ladies between 17 and 22 where I live.

[HitmanLV]

Its rare to find a man who really wants a truly independent woman.

I think that trait, in itself, isn't all that attractive in a romantic companion. As part of a set of other quality traits, most men think its fine. A woman still has to be pleasant, supportive, fun, etc. Independence isn't a substitute for all that.

Like I said, men and women tend to be rejected for substantive reasons rather than shallow ones. Few women (or men) are truly rejected because they are too successful, have their act together, etc. They just aren't delivering on qualities the opposite sex finds appealing. Independence isn't a substitute for that in any way.

[marajade]

"I think that trait, in itself, isn't all that attractive in a romantic companion."

I agree.

I see nothing wrong in how a couple complements each other. It may be that one is very independent and the other is dependent. If it works and is only one component of many that makes the relationship positive then that's a good thing.

[HitmanLV]

Masculinity, confidence, poise, intelligence, sense of humor, or whatever else she finds appealing.

In other words, what she is looking for. Being 38 has almost nothing to do with it - a man of a wide range of ages can supply that for a woman (he can be 19, 29, 39, 49, 59, or older).

It's just that given that choice, most men would opt to be with a quality 26 year old woman, rather than a quality 36 year old woman, and rather than a quality 46 year old woman. Men have more freedom and choice when it comes to dating and companionship. So do women. Everyone gets what they deserve, and that's a good thing!

[marajade]

I think its all about personal choice. Age to me, isn't really much of a qualifier.

[HitmanLV]

Stick with women in their mid 20s and older, up to 30 or so. The truth is when it comes to meeting attractive women, it's never been easier. Finding a quality one is a bit more challenging, but not terribly daunting.

Competition for a quality man is fierce - just ask any woman you know, or just take a peek at the covers of womens magazines. Quality women are much more plentiful, though, which is a good thing.

Just get out there and say hi. That's the first step. ;-)

[HitmanLV]

I see nothing wrong in how a couple complements each other. It may be that one is very independent and the other is dependent. If it works and is only one component of many that makes the relationship positive then that's a good thing

That's very true and I agree 100%.

[HairOfTheDog]

What does a 38 year old man have to offer a 25 year old independent woman?

Years of being a widow? :~)

[linda_22003]

A rich widow? :-D

[marajade]

"Years of being a widow? :~)"

As long as he has $$$, then it'd at least be worth it.

[marajade]

Darn, you beat me.

[linda_22003]

Well (as my mother used to say) if you're not going to be a rich widow, where's the fun in being a widow at all? :)

[HitmanLV]

Age to me is a qualifier in that it's just my personal taste and temperament. Given that any man has a wide range of choices when it comes to women, I just prefer a certain set of qualities over others.

I'd rather be with an attractive 28 year old woman than an attractive 38 year old, or 48 year old. And since I do have that range of choice, I gravitate toward what I like. Everyone does that - I'm too old for some women's taste, too short for others' tastes, whatever. I just don't care - my job is to find a compatible companion and keep her happy, that's all.

[HairOfTheDog]

I see! I hadn't seen that wealth was a guarantee put forth in the example.

Well, everything's easier with money I guess!

[linda_22003]

In the immortal wisdom of David Lee Roth, "Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy you a real big boat to sail up alongside it."

[marajade]

"I hadn't seen that wealth was a guarantee put forth in the example."

We're talking about an age span of what 15 years. When I was 25 and single, marrying a 38 year old man was the last man I'd consider dating. Honestly, I'd be afraid he wouldn't be able to keep up or even know how to have lots of fun.

I was really only joking about the $$$ stuff.

[HairOfTheDog]

Well, yeah - if you're just schtupping women for the fun of it, get as many as you can, as young as the law allows.

Personally, I think when one stops looking at women as wide ranges of people and starts looking for ~one~ person to spend life with, these lists of qualifiers are more limiting than helpful.

[linda_22003]

I always dated older men back at the time I was that age. Now, if I got back into the dating scene (heaven forbid), I'd have to go younger, since most men older than I am are dead. ;-D