Remember Jane Swift? Picture Her an Egomaniac

Boston Herald ^ | 10/06/05 | Howie Carr

[raccoonradio]

First of all, the timing is off. What's the point of unveiling the portrait of ex-Gov. Jane Swift on Oct. 24?

Once you get that close to Halloween, don't you owe it to the taxpayers to make the ceremony the ultimate trick or treat? All the women who show up at the Senate Reading Room (now there's an oxymoron) could be wearing that blue dress suit that Swifties always seemed to wear, whether she was in a firing mood, or being fired, basically, by Mitt Romney.

Speaking of which, Mitt will attend the festive event. It was earlier thought that his invitation had been, ahem, lost in the mail, but now everything has been straightened out.

The festive event will be emceed by another extinguished public servant, Paul Cellucci, whose own portrait should have posed him in front of a $2 window at a racetrack somewhere. Just as Mike Dukakis' should have been in a tank, with Willie Horton beside him.

Bill Weld should have been lying on his back after one of his ``fainting spells,'' but instead Pink Floyd is inexplicably pictured for posterity in front of an apple tree, which leads me to believe that Jane should have posed with an apple in her mouth.

Let's not forget that, in the era of Political Correctness, the school tours of the State House every spring from now on will surely include a stop at the portrait of the ``first woman governor,'' even though she really wasn't the governor, only the acting governor.

Are there any phone booths left at the State House? That would seem an appropriate place to hang it. Or perhaps in one of those ``lactation rooms'' she promised after the birth of the twins.

As for the painting itself, personally I'd like to see an updated version of ``American Gothic'' – Jane standing next to her husband, Chuck, both of them holding pitchforks, which is close enough to the rakes that Chuck would have needed had he ever realized his dream of a blueberry farm.

If the painting is to commemorate her . . . accomplishments, well, I guess it's not considered good form to frame and hang a blank canvas. I once pointed out that perhaps she should be pictured in a Mass Pike toll booth, her hand out, with a sign above that says, ``Toll to Logan $12.'' After all, gouging the tollpayers was perhaps the only thing she really cared about. That, and getting her campaign account up to $1 million before she had to take the long walk down the State House steps.

How about her boarding a State Police helicopter, a la Nixon in August 1974. Or sitting at her Massport desk during her gig as a ``consultant.'' Let's hope the painter, one Sarah Belchetz-Swenson, went for historical accuracy – no phone at her desk.

Who needs a phone if you've got the health insurance?

Another potential rendering of Jane could be her leaning out the window of her state SUV at a McDonald's drive-through. Is it possible for these official portraits to include cartoon balloons, because hers would say:
``Can I get Oreos and M&M's on that McFlurry?''

Or would she better served being painted as a Mona Lisa of the 413 area code? Hands demurely folded, a tiny trickle of marinara sauce running out of her pursed lips down her chin? Above her, should there be a puppeteer, manipulating the strings. I see an evil little bald man, since indicted for perjury . . .

This is all a very big deal for the Bride of Chucky. She's been referred to in the past tense for a very long time. And you know she thinks about stuff like this. Above her desk in the Corner Office, which she almost never showed up at, by the way, was a portrait of Winthrop Crane, an earlier governor from Berkshire County.

She was so obsessed with Gov. Crane that she took his name as her e-mail nom de plume.

The protocol is, the portraits of the six most recent governors hang in the governor's outer office. So it's goodbye Foster Furcolo (and no, he's not in court saying ``Not guilty your Honor'') and hello Jane Swift.

Unless of course, it's a life-size portrait, in which case it's goodbye Chub and Sarge and Duke and King . . . and probably even the Go Red Sox sign hanging out on the porch facing east toward Beacon Street.

[raccoonradio]

Disastrous unelected Mass. governor (Paul Cellucci became Gov. after Bill Weld left to unsuccessfully try to get ambassadorship. Cellucci picked Swift as lt. gov. and later she took over when he became ambassador to Canada. Swift (a Republican, sad to say) was arrogant, power-mad, ineffective...but thankfully stepped aside so knight- in-shining-armor Mitt Romney could take over as GOP gubernatorial candidate--he managed to keep the governorship in Republican hands. No Democrat has been gov. of Mass. since the immortal Mike Dukakis left in 1990.