Posted on 03/06/2005 1:13:54 PM PST by Chris Haire
(Knight-Rider) Lincoln, Neb. - Sally Wright once walked the halls of her high school with a cheerful smile on her face. Now she walks the halls with a scarf wrapped around her mouth.
Sally's lower jaw was removed earlier this year in an effort to stop the spread of the cancer which is eating away at her mouth. At 16, Sally is a tragic victim of smokeless tobacco-related mouth cancer, a tragedy worsened by the fact that she has never taken as much as a pinch of snuff in her life.
But the same doesn't apply to her boyfriend "Carl."
"Carl" (his name changed to protect his identity) was an avid consumer of smokeless tobacco. On average, he consumed nearly three cans a day. "I wasn't too worried about myself," Carl says with a boyish smile, which Sally once must have found attractive. "My granddaddy did it, and my daddy did it, and they didn't get mouth cancer, so I figured I was okay."
Carl adds. "If I'd known that Sally could catch it from me, I probably never would have started dipping."
Discussing the unsuspected consequences of his actions, Carl looks down at the ground, brings a hand to his eyes, and wipes away his tears. "How was I to know she was going to get the cancer?" he asks.
According to scientists at the Texas Institute of Technology, preliminary studies in "second-hand dip spit" began only months before Sally was diagnosed, and it is only now that they have some proof. "We've known for quite some time that smokeless tobacco was cancer-causing, but only recently have we discovered this tragic side-effect," says Dr. Robert Ferguson, chief researcher at TIT. "The tobacco travels from one party to the other through the mixing of saliva associated with deep, or french-style, kissing. Then the tobacco particles settle in the cheek or gum of the unsuspecting, non-dipping party. Due to the high state of arousal, neither party is aware of this exchanging of cancer-causing materials when it occurs."
Despite the dangers, Ferguson says there is no cause for individuals dating dippers to be alarmed as long as they follow a few simple rules.
"Already, we have found ways to combat cancers caused by secondhand dip spit," Ferguson says. "One is abstaining from deep-mouth kissing, and the other is maintaining good dental hygiene."
Educators, however, believe these rules are useless and fear an epidemic among the teen population.
Larry Doggett, principal of Eastside High in Lincoln where at least three students have suffered snuff-related illnesses, is one of the worried. He knows authorities have their work cut out for them. "Even though the government can stop convenience stores from selling tobacco to minors, and schools can ban all tobacco products, there's little we can do to stop teenage dating," Doggett says.
However, one school may have done just that. Tracy Griggs, principal of Riverside High, has not only forbidden any public displays of affection between students, but she has asked that each one of her students sign a contract promising they will forgo dating until after graduation. "So far, we have not seen any results, but I know the policy is working," Griggs says. "We are confident the dating ban is having a positive impact on the health of our students. It has to."
Some disagree. "You can't stop dating," says Riverside High student Johnny Ryell. "Sure, I signed the contract, and so did everybody else I know, but that doesn't stop us from making out."
According to Ryell, some students have even begun to recklessly flaunt the rules, seeking out life-and-death thrills. "It's pretty typical now for a guy and his girlfriend to split a can of Skoal, take a dip, make out for a bit, and then swap dips. They say it's the bomb," Ryell says. "I haven't done it yet because my girlfriend's scared, but I think I can talk her into it."
Chris Haire chris@freetheseed.com
I don't think this is funny.
The posters pimping his blog. He's done it a couple times, probably because all his neighbors have caught on to the flaming bag of dog crap trick, so he has to amuse himself somehow.
Of course, something stinks. The article is complete and utter shitte. It's funny. Nothing more, nothing less. As for charges of pimping my blog, come on... of course that's a result of a post, but the main purpose is just to entertain. Ligthen up. Enjoy a silly article based on a silly idea.
OK
This is a fake article; perhaps a satire.
I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, for 20 years--there is no such thing as "Eastside High" or any school named "Riverside" in Lincoln.
I have no way of knowing, but the "Texas Institute of Technology" sounds specious, too.
Perhaps this is just a deep satire.
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