Posted on 12/10/2004 6:11:06 PM PST by 6ppc
My daughter will turn 21 next week. She is living at home and working.
Two days ago she informed us she had met a man online who lives in the UK and they had developed a serious relationship. He was planning to come to visit and she was informing us and asking if we would agree to meet him. This man is of Indian nationality and is a muslim in school in England. His parents have been living in Saudi Arabia for over 20 years.
We told her this was dangerous and a very bad idea. I tried to convince her to give the idea up and she said she would think about it.
Tonight we found out she is has come up with a plan to go to England and marry him. She says she is of legal age, has thought it through and is determined to do this.
I've now changed tactics and am working on getting him to come over here. I talked to him on the phone tonight and told him that I was unwilling to consider this unless he moved to the US and got a job here.
My daughter has only had one boyfriend in her life and is very much a loner. She has few friends and never goes out, so I'm sure this is a reaction to being lonely.
I need to do some quick intervention and stop this. I need advice.
1) Since she is over 18 (21 next week) is there any kind of legal action I can take to prevent her from leaving the country?
2) How can I do a background check on this guy?
This is my worst nightmare and I don't know what to do.
That occurred to me. She has a friend at work who is married to a guy from Jordan. By all accounts he is an upstanding guy. Unfortunately this friend has offered to put her up if she leaves our home, so I think my best bet is to keep her living at home.
I've seen the film but it was a number of years ago. I will make a point of renting it and making her watch it with me.
First and foremost:
Cancel her internet service behind her back.
Cancel her credit cards surreptiously as well.
When that is done (this must be done quickly, before she applies for credit elsewhere) you must play to HIS culture, not hers. You are going to become a Muslim in every way but official. Tell her you've always been curious about it. She will give you props for your acceptance and multiculturalism! You can simply say that this is to help her adjust to life outside the United States.
1)Tell her that in order for you to be with her, you must adopt Muslim ways, and you will convert if necessary. MEAN IT. Embrace it if you have to, because without this you will never be able to convince her otherwise.
2) Tell her that you will only handle this in the Muslim way - men are NOT ALLOWED to talk to a woman except through their fathers or husbands. You will be handling all communications and all finances from now on. If she says she doesn't like it, tell her that she is a hater of the muslim culture. She cannot go out by herself, she cannot go out with friends unless you are with her. Tell her this is what her life will be like in India or Saudi Arabia. Make sure to get books and the Koran to back you up!
3)Tell her that you will be enforcing a moderate muslim code of dress - the head must always be covered, but she may show her face. The body must not be clad in revealing clothing. Let her mother take her online to help her choose some really very attractive Indian Muslim clothing - heck, buy the wardrobe. I actually love the fabrics - but make sure it is off a MUSLIM site, not just Indian. Enforce the dress code at all times.
4)Tell her that in India, a dowry is customary. Tell him that for your dowry, he must agree to stay SIX MONTHS in YOUR HOUSE before marrying your daughter. HE must arrange all travel arrangements and pay for them himself. Still, he will not be able to be alone with her until she is married.
5)Find out as much as you can about customs in India regarding Dowry and obligations to families. In truth, there is a terrible shortage of women in India, he may really want to find a bride. If so, he won't mind doing EVERYTHING you ask him to do. In addition, he must obey all your rules, and he must be held to the moral standards of Muslim WOMEN in India... no huggy, no kissy until she is married.
Remember, tell her if she doesn't agree to all this then she cannot be a Muslim. Find an Imam to help you explain it.
Five will get you ten that he won't want her if you ask all this from him.
If after all this, she still wants him and he still wants her, then at least you know how the system works, and she will be familiar with it.
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I have a daughter who is that age. I am praying for you...
What a unkind thing to say. This will not help pp6 at all
I meant 6ppc
This approach will be vastly improved if you make your wife "become" Muslim as well. Once she sees her mother being forbidden to leave the house, being forces to cover her hair at all times, or having all her credit cards taken away, she will become enraged at your sexism. Tell her she hates Muslims. Tell her you are really beginning to like it, and you are thinking about going to Mosque. Heck, go to Mosque once or twice - she won't be able to go, but hey - that's life!
This approach will be vastly improved if you make your wife "become" Muslim as well. Once she sees her mother being forbidden to leave the house, being forces to cover her hair at all times, or having all her credit cards taken away, she will become enraged at your sexism. Tell her she hates Muslims. Tell her you are really beginning to like it, and you are thinking about going to Mosque. Heck, go to Mosque once or twice - she won't be able to go, but hey - that's life!
I don't think now is a time to throw her out or be extremely confrontational. Keep the communication very open, make her know it's because you love her so much that you couldn't stand for anything bad to happen to her. Let her talk about what she "sees" in him, and help her realize he may be leading her on for his own ulterior motives --- but anger or fear aren't good reactions at a time like this.
I've been through it. Suggest you invite him to the US VERY politely, kill him with kindness, and play a waiting game. Maybe even talk about a nice wedding down the line. Meanwhile, if he's truly a jerk, his jerkness will surface, sooner rather than later, and your daughter will see the light. You will still be on good terms with her, and can sympathize and dry her tears, and explain that mixing cultures does not often work out successfully. Also underscore the fact that he might have just been looking for a green card.
Took some time, but it worked for me!
Meanwhile, a friend of mine married a fellow from England that she met online. In their case, it's an excellent marriage, but he's not a Muslim. Just a nice young Brit.
I think it was a serious question. Islam does attract women with low self-esteem. Burkas are very attractive to homely women.
pp6--I say ignore all those who are saying "let the meeting go forward"... she thinks that she's found her dream man, and her self-esteem is probably low enough that she thinks he's the only man that will love her, and she will do everything in her power to "see" him as her dream prince.
I suggest you set up a ping list and FreepMail this man's name, address, DOB, etc to all of us who volunteer. We will contact homeland security and say that he's involved with terrorists. Enough calls from enough Freepers and he will never set foot in this country.
And once he is blacklisted, you can call Homeland security when your daughter tries to fly to India and say that she's been seduced by a known terrorist.
If you decide to go with the idea to have a bunch of Freepers to call Homeland Security with this man's information, consider me your first volunteer.
I wasn't offended because I am a realist. But she happens to be quite nice looking.
What if he isn't one of those kinds of muslims though --- many are in name only and then it might be more like a typical dangerous internet relationship that's based on fantasy. Or a man looking for an easy green-card to America --- but maybe he's just lonely too and looking for love in the wrong places.
Definitely be gentle and keep her close.
Do you have any idea at which website/chat room she met this guy?
Would you have a way to find out?
I'll keep that idea in mind and thanks. I've already saved the link to this thread where I won't lose track of it and will call on you and the others if I decide I need to. I'm still in the shock stage and probably need to sleep on it (if I can) before doing anything major.
I've already cut off her internet, but she's smart enough to go the the library so it may not help.
yah. Make sure HE comes HERE, not the other way around.
Good. You have FreepMail.
That's the only firm plan I have right now along with trying to delay things as much as possible.
Just thought of something else....any chance there is some jewish blood in your past? That could get rid of him quick is he is a devout muslim.
Ummmm.... I understand this relationship is a scary prospect, but who exactly is treating this girl like captive property? All of you who are suggesting how to get the guy (and the daughter even!) tied to terror or otherwise prevent her from leaving the country?
I think the answer is to be saner than the girl, and this muslim courter and not BE the oppressive controlling captor you are trying to convince her HE is.
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