The Pixies, the Press, and the Magic Boonie Hat

longleggedfly.blogspot.com ^ | Sep 9, 2004 | JCEccles

[JCEccles]

Andy Card: "There's a salesman here to see you Karl. I tried to throw him out the door, but he's persistent. He's dressed in a kilt and says to tell you he has a 'boonie good bargain for ya,' and that you'd know that that means."

Karl Rove: "A 'boonie good bargain,' you say? Show him in."

Salesman: "I knew you'd let me in Mr. Rove. Nothing important escapes your steel trap brain."

Karl Rove: "If you're selling what I think you're selling, I'm more than interested in talking to you. 'A boonie good bargain,' indeed. The kilt and the brogue for effect--that's very clever.'

Salesman: "Here it is Mr. Rove, a magic boonie hat cut from the same bolt of cloth as John Kerry's magic boonie hat that he carries everywhere with him locked away in a secret compartment in his briefcase. Note the fine stitching by Icelandic pixies who live in a peat bog on the north side of Breidamerkurjokull glacier."

Karl Rove: "I'm curious to know how this thing works. I have watched with amazement how for almost 30 years Kerry has spun this patently ridiculous tale over and over again about going on secret and illegal CIA missions into Cambodia in December 1968 on the orders of Nixon, who wasn't even inaugurated until late January 1969. The are no records of any such missions and not one of Kerry's crewmates, neither the three that support him nor the 268 who oppose him can corroborate it. It is obviously a lie or a childish fantasy, but the press won't push Kerry to explain it, so the public is largely oblivious. Instead, the press spends all their time confused by routine military temporary-duty paperwork which they think proves that the president wasn't in Alabama for guard duty for a month. I decided some time ago that magic must be involved, because logic and rational thought sure can't explain it."

Salesman: "Right you are, Mr. Rove. It's the magic boonie hat that does it. As long as Kerry keeps the hat near him, a spell remains over the press and public persuading them in ways mere mortals do not understand that Kerry must have gone on secret CIA missions into Cambodia in 1968 even though, as you point out, such missions are not merely improbable--they are factually impossible. It's like Obi wan Kenobe telling the imperial trooper, 'These aren't the droids you're looking for," if you get my drift. Here's the contract for sale. I will give you the same deal I gave Kerry."

Karl Rove: "Thanks, but I'm not interested in buying. I just wanted to know how it works. The president is not interested in having a magic hat that gives him power to lie with impunity."

Salesman: "Then I'm sad for you, sir. I'm sad for you but especially sad for the president. This was his one chance to level the playing field. When the battle involves fighting with weapons of mass deceit, Kerry's people have the best hardware on the planet. You have just cost your president the chance to fight an even battle."

Karl Rove: "No, I haven't. Even if I bought the magic hat it wouldn't work for this president."

Salesman: "And what makes you say that?"

Karl Rove: "I read the fine print on the contract below your thumb while you were talking--you know, the clause that says 'magic not warranted to work for Republican candidates.'"

Salesman: "Like I said, nothing escapes your steel trap brain."