Posted on 09/14/2002 9:01:38 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
Hey All,
I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.
Thanks,
BG & R 99
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
Suddenly a stone flies out of the crowd and hits the woman in the head. Jesus looks up and cries, "Mom!!!"
Q: How do you get four gay guys on a barstool?
A: Turn it upside down!
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces!
Q:What did the giraffe say when he walked into the bar?
A: The highballs are on me!
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.
6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.
9. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.
10. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
11. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
12. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
14. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
17. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
18. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
20. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
21. One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.
25. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
26. Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
27. We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
28. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
29. Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
30. The best antiques are old friends.
31. Down with gravity!
32. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
33. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
34. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
35. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
36. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
37. A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
38. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
39. An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
40. If you can't be kind, be vague.
A: Slow natives.
--
A frog decides to build a house, so he goes to the bank for a loan. A loan officer, wearing the nametag "Patrick Wack" asks the frog what he can put up for collateral. The frog pulls out a horrible-looking Hummel figurine (that one with the cute little boy fishing -- only one of his toes is busted off). Patrick takes the figurine to his boss and asks, "What kind of collateral is this?" To which his boss replies: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack... give the frog a loan!"
--
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary) and arranging to have her killed. A friend of a friend put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the wife to the local Safeway grocery store. He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangement with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newpaper. the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
"What part of 'Yes" don't you understand?!"
------------------------------
A woman goes up to the pharmacist.
"Do you sell Viagra here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Does it work?"
"Yes."
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can if I take two!"
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Answer: Sterling Moss.
Question: What grows on the north side of a silver tree?
Answer: Chicken Teriyaki.
Question: Who is the only living kamikazi pilot from WWII?
Answer: Siss, Boob, Bah!
Question: What is the last sound a sheep makes just before it explodes?
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and Bhudda announces that the contest is over. He asks Mohammed to show what he has come up with. Mohammed is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says Bhudda, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Mohammed is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
Bhudda chuckles, "Everybody knows ... Jesus saves.
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