Posted on 01/29/2007 2:05:53 PM PST by dudewheresmytank
Author’s note: This column may be offensive to (deleted), (deleted), (deleted), and other protected minority groups deemed insufficiently stable to function in society without the protection, love, and support of white liberals.
My recent column about a man’s successful bout with racism raised the ire of many readers. People were upset because it contained the word (deleted), which is offensive to many “African-Americans”, which, by the way, is a term offensive to me, a decidedly non-hyphenated American of Caucasian extraction.
Since so many people were a) offended by the word (deleted), which has racial connotations, and b) un-offended by the phrase (deleted) (deleted), which takes the Lord’s name in vain, I’ve come to the following conclusion:
Political correctness, not Christianity, provides the true moral foundation of American society in the 21st century.
Mayor Ken Corley of Brazoria, Texas understands this. He’s trying to pass an ordinance banning the word (deleted) because of its history of bigotry and hatred in America. If people say the word (deleted) it will cost a whopping $500 in his little Texas town.
But I have one little problem with Corley’s proposal. He’s not a (deleted). He’s a white guy. And that raises serious concerns for those of us who believe that the real racism in America comes not from saying the word (deleted) but from letting the white guys make all the rules.
So last Friday when I walked into my classes, I tried to set an example for the 100 students I’m teaching this semester. In the name of Equal Protection of the Law - which has saved many a (deleted) from a racist legal system – I decided to let everyone ban the word that he decided was most offensive. I extended the offer to women and trans-gendered students, too.
Here is a summary of the words we are not going to use in class this semester: 1. A (This could dramatically curb the recent trend in grade inflation).
2. B**ch (This should impede our ability to talk about how the Chancellor has really b**ched the parking situation on campus).
3. Bush (The President not the line from The Vagina Monologues).
4. Bush (The line from The Vagina Monologues not the President).
5. Chink (We will also ban the word “think” because it sounds so doggone similar).
6. Chunky (I also plan to ban “funky” because I think the words stinks).
7. Cooter (Obviously, I have a student from Mississippi).
8. Crap (This will impede the rolling of dice, which, in turn, may interfere with our efforts to encourage gambling in order to raise money for education).
9. Cracker (I have a parakeet who’s not going to be pleased).
10. C**t (Don’t tell me you c**’t decipher the asterisks).
11. C**t (This is really similar to the last one. Just use your imagination).
12. Crunk (I’ve never actually heard this on campus but better safe than sorry).
13. Cucumber (This is the favorite vegetable at the Women’s Resource Center).
14. DePaolo (Our Chancellor’s last name).
15. Democrat (I didn’t participate in the exercise. I promise!).
16. Dude (The surfing club still doesn’t know about this one).
17. Duke (Reminder: I didn’t participate in the exercise. I promise!).
18. Dr. Adams (This is two words but I’m going to let it slide).
19. Drink (I predict this will be easier to enforce than “drunk.” Sorority girls like to say “I’m like totally drunk and stuff”).
20. Fag (The English smokers won’t be happy).
21. Faggot (I’m banning “maggot” for safe measure. It’s the niggardly thing to do!).
22. Heart (The feminists wanted to make sure that Valentine’s Day was centered on a different pulsating organ).
23. Hell (I knew they would ban the Bible eventually at UNCW!).
24. Hillary (Senator Obama was visiting our class that day. He was a good listener. One could say he’s all ears).
25. Humanitarian (Not the same as “liberal”).
26. Kike (The Middle Eastern Studies Department is currently appealing this one). 27. Lemons (I’m also banning “melons” at the request of the Women’s Resource Center).
28. Liberal (Not the same as “humanitarian”).
29. Like (This was done mainly to get sorority girls to just shut up and drink).
30. Moist (Never mind).
31. Queer (This could cause real problems for the “safe zone” program).
32. Neo-conservative (Although no one can seem to define it).
33. Period (Will be tough to enforce at least four days of the month).
34. Redneck (There goes my plan for a new “Redneck Studies” major).
35. Republican (I’ve never heard that word on our campus anyway).
36. Rosemary (Our Chancellor’s first name).
37. Shenanigans (This is also a downtown bar).
38. S**t (Not a reference to Paris Hilton but, rather, what she flushes that she thinks does not stink).
39. Slavery (Personally, I think censorship is a form of slavery).
40. Slut (No more references to Paris Hilton).
41. Spic (The janitors will now have to switch to “#$%& and Span” cleaning fluid).
42. Tarheels (This was done by a stripper who stumbled into class by accident. She left with several $1 bills wearing a “Re-Elect Nifong” button).
43. The (Clearly *** most offensive word on *** list).
44. War (I’ve always wondered of this word: “what is it good for?”).
45. Wetback (This person scratched out “green card” in the space just above).
46. Whore (No more discussion of the Reverend Jesse Jackson, America’s leading race #$%&*).
47. Wop (This was done over the strident objections of Little Richard).
48. Word (This is clearly racist).
49. Work (Never heard this #$%& from one of my students).
50. Ya’ll (Damned Yankees!).
As you can see, my students have really been inspired by Mayor Ken Corley. When he decided to ban the use of the word (deleted) he clearly surpassed Martin Luther King, Jr. as the greatest civil rights leader in our nation’s history – even though he isn’t a (deleted).
But let’s not let Corley’s greatness overshadow what my student’s have accomplished. Their simple list of 50 words you cannot say at UNC-Wilmington has led to the banning of every single book, magazine, and pamphlet on campus.
Now that the library is empty, we finally have a place for that new parking deck.
Phew, glad this one passed review, it's *&#!@^ funny!
He left out niggardly which as we all know caused a stink due the ignorance of some who confused it with another word.
May the students come away from this experiment with an understanding of the "internal censor" that political correctness instills.
It got crazy in the 1990s when people were trying to find automatic substitutions for words that weren't even offensive. Things like CNN's policy of using "neighbor" for foreigner. The whole notion of PC fairytales, etc.
It is politically incorrect to deny man is the cause of global warming (even though the case has not been proven).
Thoughtcrime is contrary to free speech.
21. Faggot (I’m banning “maggot” for safe measure. It’s the niggardly thing to do!).
Be sure to ban "y'all", crackers.
yeah i thought ya'll(whoops) on this site would find it funny. i would love to be in his class. he does a lot of stuff like this
Please include a link when posting. That is why your submission received a longer look.
i did on the red thing under the name
HELL IN TEXAS By ANON
Oh, the Devil in hell they say he was chained,
And there for a thousand years he remained;
He neither complained nor did he groan,
But decided he'd start up a hell of his own,
Where he could torment the souls of men
Without being shut in a prison pen;
So he asked the Lord if He had any sand
Left over from making this great land.
The Lord He said, "Yes, I have plenty on hand,
But it's away down south on the Rio Grande,
And, to tell you the truth, the stuff is so poor
I doubt if 'twill do for hell any more."
The Devil went down and looked over the truck,
And he said if it came as a gift he was stuck,
For when he'd examined it carefully and well
He decided the place was too dry for a hell.
But the Lord just to get the stuff off His hands
He promised the Devil He'd water the land,
For he had some old water that was of no use,
A regular bog hole that stunk like the deuce.
So the grant it was made and the deed it was given;
The Lord He returned to His place up in heaven.
The Devil soon saw he had everything needed
To make up a hell and so he proceeded.
He scattered tarantulas over the roads,
Put thorns on the cactus and horns on the toads,
He sprinkled the sands with millions of ants
So the man that sits down must wear soles on his pants.
He lengthened the horns of the Texas steer,
And added an inch to the jack rabbit's ear;
He put water puppies in all of the lakes,
And under the rocks he put rattlesnakes.
He hung thorns and brambles on all of the trees,
He mixed up the dust with jiggers and fleas;
The rattlesnake bites you, the scorpion stings,
The mosquito delights you by buzzing his wings.
The heat in the summer's a hundred and ten,
Too hot for the Devil and too hot for men;
And all who remained in that climate soon bore
Cuts, bites, stings, and scratches, and blisters galore.
He quickened the buck of the bronco steed,
And poisoned the feet of the centipede;
The wild boar roams in the black chaparral
It's a hell of a place that we've got for a hell.
He planted red pepper beside of the brooks;
The Mexicans use them in all that they cook.
Just dine with a Greaser and then you will shout,
"I've hell on the inside as well as the out! "
One quibble, Jesse Jackson is not a "race whore" but a "race pimp". The "race whores" do his bidding or they get the "pimp hand" or they can make a sizable donation to his "charity".
Don't forget Philip Roth's "The Human Stain" in which a "white" professor gets fired for uttering "spook" as in ghost.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Stain
Nope, I added that.
oh
And yet, I wouldn't want to live any where else!!
Foxxy Love is comforted that "Knickers" is safe for another semester...
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