[Neets]

How To Participate In An Internet Flame War

1. Tell your opponent that the argument is over, because it's degenerated into pointlessness.... doing so at the end of your post giving you the lengthy last word in it.

2. Predict the imminent death of the Internet. ("Film at 11!")

3. Call your opponent a Nazi.

4. Change the subject by pointing out all of your opponent's grammar and spelling mistakes.

5. Post some horribly vicious and insulting note about your opponent.... several minutes later, post a profuse apology, claiming that you'd intended to send the message privately to a friend.

6. a: Refer frequently to pretend hordes of lurking supporters, who have mailed you privately to express their agreement and gratitude.... but aren't willing to come out publicly and say anything.

   b: Accuse your opponent of trying to intimidate your hordes of supporters.... add indignantly that you "will not be silenced".

7. Attempt to impress/silence your opponent by discussing your professional credentials and experience related to the topic at hand, which clearly make your opinions better and more correct than anyone else's.... be vague about details if your credentials and experience aren't actually all that impressive. (Also known as "dueling resumes".)

8. Accuse your opponent of being overly sensitive, or suggest in a patronizing tone that they "must be having a bad day".

9. Claim that an insult or other rudeness was "just a joke", and suggest that your opponent has no sense of humor.

10. Claim that *everything* is a matter of opinion, that there are no such things as facts or truth.

11. a: Claim that facts are absolute.... that there's never any such thing as dispute or disagreement about a fact.

    b: Assume that everything you learned in college, no matter how many years ago nor how much a field has advanced in the meantime, is completely unchanged.

12. Redefine words to mean whatever you want them to mean. (Also known as the "Humpty Dumpty" defense.)

13. Refuse to look something up, if challenged to do so.... no need, surely your memory is perfect.

14. Ask your opponent to supply lengthy and detailed references for their every statement.

15. Claim that if something works for you/your spouse/your kid/your parent/your best friend/your boss/your hairdresser's first cousin's dog's veterinarian, it will always work for everyone.... and if it doesn't, it's because they're not doing it right.

[honeygrl]

1. This arguement is over. It was all so silly to begin with. It has degenerated into pointlessness.

2. This whole thread is going to destroy freerepublic!!!

3. The whole thread is just full of Nazis anyway.

4. BTW, some people here should've been homeschooled because their publik edookashun isn't helping them much.

5. I HATE ALL THESE PEOPLE (ooh sorry, I meant that to be a private reply!)

6. Everyone keeps freepmailing me to tell me how much they hate this thread. It's nothing more than an intimidation method to supress our free speech!

7. I have infinite knowledge on all topics. I know more than everyone here.

8. What a bunch of crybabies here.

9. Of course, all of what I've said here is just in jest. People need to get a sense of humor.

10. Everything stated on an internet discussion board is fact until proven it's an opinion. There are no such things as opinions...

11. Everything I say is a fact. I would never post an opinion. My opinion of facts are more important than anyone else's.

12. The Honeygrl Dictionary says that all facts are irrelevent. Only opinions count.

13. If anyone want a source for this info, google it.

14. If you plan to challenge any of these remarks, you must have a reliable source as proof, or you lose.

15. My husband trusts what i say so everyone here should trust me too. If you don't trust me, something is very wrong with you and you need a head shrink.

Neets:
Ok, now what do I win for the ultimate flamestarter?

[unsycophant]

Point out that your opponent is taking everything waaaaay too seriously, unlike you, who has matched or exceeded them in number of posts and comments, only because it's "fun". (I wanted to add this b/c I encounter it at another site once in a great while. LOL.)

[Axenolith]

Simply follow these rules for debate: (They've been out there on the net for years, you haven't found them? :)

Drink liquor. Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Madagascar, a
subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have VERY STRONG VIEWS about the Madagascarian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may even leave the room.

Make things up. Suppose, in the Madagascarian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Madagascarians are
underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a
bunch of Madagascarians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Madagascarians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Madagascarian's salary is $1,872 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,398.64 per annum, which is $744.12 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Keith W. Moon's study for the Oxford Commission published on June 4, 1979. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Madagascarians would like to order appetizers more
often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:

"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Madagascarians qua Madagascarians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you
are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Only one more Important Tip:

Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.!!!!