[Lonesome in Massachussets]

How to give a Cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges.

Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak.

14. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.

15. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

16. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.


(Came in an email, FWIW.)

[DietCoke]

Funny!!!! I'd seen the how to give a cat a shower before, but not this one.

[Not A Snowbird]

LOL! We tried to "pill" Tigger and finally had to take her to the vet because we absolutely couldn't do it. The vet smiled indulgently at owner ineptitude and proceeded to demonstrate the correct technique.

Twenty minutes later, the vet (thorough chastened by the strength of this eight pound cat) rewrote the prescription for liquid that we could mix in her food.

[exDemMom]

Good description of pilling a cat (though I've seen it before).

Lucky me, I just found out one of mine is sick and will need a pill every day for the rest of his life. In his case, it's:

1) Pry open mouth.
2) Drop in pill.
3) Administer kitty treat for being such a good boy.

However, if his sister ever gets sick, the procedure will be the one you described.