Thoughts of Hershel Chicowitz
I gotta' tell you, the Iraq thing really has me on edge. And if it has me on edge, imagine what it must be doing to the people in charge! Do we have to spend $60 billion and kill thousands of soldiers and innocent civilians to get rid of this guy. Or should we just declare victory, pick up our deadly toys and go home?
Or... is there another way to deal with this?
The Bush administration appears to be willing to consider another option. Supposedly, a gutsy Saudi Arabian diplomat has gone to Baghdad to try to talk Saddam Hussein into bailing out... cashing in his billions of ill-gotten gold, packing up his things and his family, and going into exile.
So... it looks like we got ourselves a deal, bobba-louie!
The problem is... where would he go? If he goes anywhere in the Middle East, Israel's Mossad would eventually find him and do what 400 trillion dollars of American military power could not. Now, I would not be at all opposed to that. But surely Saddam is as aware of that reality as I am. So, that's not gonna' fly.
I suppose we could send him to Antarctica, Bayonne, New Jersey, or some other desolate place. But something just does not sit right with me about that. Besides, it would be an insult to the good folks of Bayonne. So, it is a problem that had been simmering on the back burner, and continued to concern me.
Then, over the weekend I saw a seemingly unrelated story that provided me with an idea. "Entertainment This Weekend" reported that Michael Jackson is looking for a new home. He apparently rejected a $14 million dollar mansion in Palm Beach - not enough space. Nonetheless, he is restless and on the hunt.
Well, during a commercial break, it hit me like a thunderbolt: Michael Jackson for Saddam Hussein.
That's right. Let's trade Michael Jackson and his family for Saddam Hussein and his. We'll send Michael Jackson, his kids... his entire entourage, to live in Saddam's soon-to-be-abandoned - or destroyed palaces. Surely there is enough room there for Michael to entertain himself, Prince Michael, and all the little Jacksonettes. In return, Saddam and his clan can live out their lives on Jackson's Neverland Ranch. You know, it'll be sort of like the Beverly Hillbillies of the 21st century.
Neverland is Michael Jackson's private haven in the beautiful California valley of Santa Ynez, about 75 miles from Santa Barbara. Named for Michael's favorite character's base camp, Neverland is a full scale amusement park with Ferris wheel, bumper cars and the Sea Dragon. It's also a colorful park with thousands of flowers, statues, forests and lakes. In the zoo you'll find monkeys, lions, white tigers, elephants and cats. There is also an private film theater and, of course, Michael's palatial house.
Now, I know what all of you are thinking: "Come on, this will never work!"
But think about it... it is a perfect match. They are both embarrassing freaks of nature, living in their own bizarre fantasy worlds, are they not? Why, I'll bet that neither of them would even know the difference.
In Iraq, Michael would look positively white! No more ugly, plastic surgery. He doesn't like the press he is getting? Shucks, he can simply have them beheaded. Nothing out of the ordinary in Baghdad.
He and his family will have all the palaces and toys he could ever imagine... enough to last a lifetime.
Most of the Iraqi citizens, I imagine, have never heard of him. So instead of having to pull up new material from a well that ran dry a decade ago, Michael can recycle all his stuff from the 70s and 80s. He can teach the people all about the English language and American customs.