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ACUTE CASE OF MARTHA STEWART DISEASE

All of the grass in your front yard is braided.

You serve entrees in an attractive real bird's nest you found in a nearby forest.

You make your own Jell-o from calves' hooves rather than buy the powdered stuff.

You decorate your cakes with pieces of ceramic, bundles of chiffon, buttons, marbles and other inedible stuff just because "it looks so pretty."

Each and every flower in the back yard is wrapped in raffia and sports a shiny red bow.

You serve wine to your guests in conch shells.

You've smeared the walls with yogurt so that over time, a natural-looking greenish mould will grow, giving your home the fashionably distressed look of an ancient Greek temple.

You dress all of your children, despite their gender, in white chiffon dresses and white straw fedoras with white satin ribbons and haven't fed them for days in case they grow into an awkward, gangly phase.

You've macramd yourself a computer cozy from hemp and recycled plastic.

Before you go to bed at night, you spend hours on your hobby farm putting the wool on your sheeps' bodies in hot rollers, so they will look more fluffy and glamorous than the neighbor's.

You sleep outside the house, in a tent, so that you don't spoil your perfectly made bed.