No exchanges, no refunds on teen daughters (humor)

Rocky Mountain News ^ | July 6, 2002 | W. Bruce Cameron

[glock rocks]

16. What is the muzzle velocity of a 230 grain .45ACP ?

17. How fast can you run?

[dutchess]

My husband's staff (most with teenage daughters) loved the original post. Can't wait to get their reaction of this application tomorrow. Thanks WIMom!

[WIMom]

Hi Dave.....btw, thanks for putting me on your ping list. I read them all.

Do you remember the 'old days', before personal computers? In business, we'd fax each other funny stuff. Well, this was faxed to me about 15 years ago. I just knew google would have something similar.

Check out the variations:

Application to date my daughter

[WIMom]

#1 should be, what's your party affiliation? Liberals will be shot on sight.

This is good though, at the very end:

HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

[WIMom]

What makes it funny, is it rings so true.

[kayak]

Count me among those who found a son much easier to raise than a daughter

...... he practically raised himself ..... she gave me a head full of gray hair by the time I was 40 ....... :-(

[WIMom]

I keep telling my girls they are the reason for my gray hair. Their response....dye it. (My middle is in cosmotology school, so at least I'll be set with blue hair in my old age....LOL!)

[kayak]

Just don't let her turn it purple .... or turquoise .... like some I've seen ..... oh my!

I started turning gray at such an early age I decided to live with it rather than spend a hundred years dyeing it ..... so far, I'm still glad I made that choice ....

[WIMom]

I have a friend who's 42 and her hair is the most beautiful shade of white I've ever seen (natural). It's gorgeous on her. I should be so lucky.

[WIMom]

Kayak, what should I tell my oldest, she's in pre-med! LOL. Actually, my middle is very talented (not a mom's opinion since I'm all for a 'real' degree) and intends to make a success in NY or LA with her abilities. But, it's one thing to be talented in your area, then compete with the country. I know that by experience. I was very good a music, in my local area, but faced with competition from around the country, I was average. And, if I do get purple hair, maybe that will be the 'in' look???!!!

[andysandmikesmom]

That application is so funny...I can laugh, I had no girls to worry about...

But I often watch my neigbor across the street...he and his wife, have only one child...she was a wee cute little thing, when we first moved in years ago.....

Now she is a big cute little thing....she is so very, very cute...and I see her parents aging right in front of my eyes...they are quite strict with her, and so far so good...shes 17, a senior in high school, and is really, really, drop dead gorgeous...

When my hubby sees her outside, he just shakes his head, and says to me, that her parents really have to fight the boys off...and its showing....

The lady across the cul de sac from me has 4girls, and 1 boy...all the girls are stunning redheads, and the oldest is also just 17, and best friends with the other cute gal across the street, I talked about..the other redhead girls are 15, 13, and 10, so indeed they have their hands full, with 4 such gorgeous daughters..We grin at the guy in
the cul de sac...they had three girls, right in a row, and then they had a boy...the hubby thought he was on a roll for boys then, so they decided to have a 5th, believing it would be another boy...wrong, it was another girl...they then stopped having kids...)

I dont get it, with married daughters always visiting their moms and grandmoms, but married sons having to put more time in with their wifes mom...Me and my hubby spent as much time with his family as we did with my own...We very much enjoyed each others families...Hopefully my own son will continue to visit us....he brings all his girlfriends over here all the time, so I would hope he would continue that pattern, should he ever marry one of them...

[kcpopps]

The original post is so accurate! I thought he is describing my 15 year old daughter!

I like your application too. The boyfriend is here right now... I am going to print this and give it to him.

And for those who haven't seen it... here's another one:

---

Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[kcpopps]

Those Ten Rules BTW are written by the same author I believe (W. Bruce Cameron's). He is quite an expert on the subject of teen age daughters.

[WIMom]

"If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

"Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me."

What more can I say? Absolutely accurate. Thanks.

[texgal]

I haven't regretted having my daughter for one minute. It doesn't have to be the way this article describes (I know it's humor - but close to truth in many households). You can raise daughters who are "normal" people not "PMS pricesses". Mine was taught that classic beauty is far better and lasts longer than trendy beauty. We also taught her that true beauty is more than just "looks".

She does not smoke or swear and has no tattoos or piercings because God made her perfect. She acts like lady and expects anyone who she dates to treat her as such. She's a beautiful young woman now, 19 and completing her junior year in college. She won't have to be retrained in language and manners in order to get a job. The companies she hosted at the college's student job fair have been BEGGING her to consider coming to work with them when she graduates and she didn't even interview with them because she was not a senior at the time.

I will tell you it takes a lot of prayer, perseverence and the abilty to say "NO" for their own good. Too many parents today want to be their children's best friend rather than the parent.

Love them enough to let them be angry at you from time to time. It WILL pay-off in the end!