Posted on 05/31/2002 7:51:17 AM PDT by dead
They wouldn't want you to go away hungry in Bigfork, Minnesota.
This week, with the help of ABC listeners, I've been on a search to find the worst recipe on the Internet. So far, the stiffest competition has been put up by the Lutheran churches of the American Midwest.
While the Catholic Church seeks to expand the size of its flock through unrestrained population growth, the Lutherans have chosen the strategy of expanding the size of individual churchgoers. Why put in one sort of cheese, when you could put in four? That seems to be the theory. This in addition to a block of butter and a good spray of Cheese Whiz.
Here, for example, is a recipe submitted by Edra Uecker of the Bigfork Lutheran Church in Bigfork, Minnesota, in which a quarter pound of Velveeta cheese is layered over a whole chicken, with "grated American cheese topping" then layered on top of the Velveeta. Cheese on cheese. They don't call it Bigfork for nothing.
The same recipe, just in case you're considering it for tonight's dinner, also requires one can of cream of mushroom soup, one can of cream of celery soup, and one can of cream of chicken soup. Plus some milk and what is described as "1 small onion".
What this actual real vegetable is doing in the recipe is not clear. Edra clearly is having some sort of mental breakdown. You can imagine the scene in the Bigfork church hall when the rumours start spreading that Edra has been using fresh produce in her cooking. The Salem witch trials will have nothing on this.
Maybe she ran out of canned onion rings? Perhaps she couldn't get the sachet of french onion soup open? You can imagine her thinking: "Maybe no-one will notice if I use a real vegetable." Well, think again, Edra. The whole town noticed.
Of course, I'm in no position to poke fun at others. I have long created my own recipes by asking prospective diners to nominate their six favourite foods, and then simply combining them.
Ask a 10-year-old boy and you might get a list that goes: bacon, cheese, pasta, tomatoes, tuna and biscuits. No problem at all. In they all go. Boil, fry, then bake. Beautiful. Not kosher, but beautiful.
A more sophisticated adult may say: smoked salmon, couscous, pine nuts, peas, duck and cocoa pops. I don't care. Try it yourself. It nearly always works out.
But back to the Midwest Lutherans. Certainly, they often live a long way from a shop and in the winter are snowbound. Fresh ingredients are hard to come across. But why does every meal seem designed to use up as many canned and frozen products as possible? It's as if they are all about to move house after 20 years and need to clean out the back of the cupboards.
There's Edra's husband scooping up armfuls of cans, and Edra up-ending them into the casserole dish, pouring them over pieces of frozen anything, recently chipped out of the fridge. Maybe, after the Fresh Vegetable Incident, Edra's leaving Bigfork forever.
She's had enough of the name-calling and the loaded looks. She wants that fridge empty by morning. It's the only way to explain her recipes.
Next the pantry. You know those packets of broken biscuits? In they go. The inch of cornflakes down the bottom of the box? Pour them in. A few spare packets of potato chips? Arrange neatly on the top of the mixture and cover with plenty of cheese. The moving truck's coming in the morning and I want that pantry spotless.
The above recipe - and I'm not making this up - is called Hotdish. But is Edra Uecker's Bigfork Hotdish the very worst recipe on the Web? It is not.
I refer you to the Internet site Lutherans Online and the very special work of Lutheran Scout troop leader Jeff Wiltsey. Jeff, who is clearly a free thinker, has taken a manufactured pizza base. He has then opened a very large can of baked beans and poured it over the pizza. He has then sprinkled cheese over the beans.
Many of us would have rested at that point. But not Jeff. His mind whirred; he knew there could be more.
Enter "6 large hot dogs".
I'll let Jeff himself take up the story: "Slice the hot dogs into quarter slices and place on top of beans like pepperoni slices. Top with remainder of cheese. Add a sprinkle of salt and bake until cheese starts to brown."
Lutherans Online allows its readers to rate each recipe, and it will not surprise you to see that Jeff Wiltsey's Hot Dog Pizza has achieved an "Excellent" for taste.
On Thursday, on ABC Radio, we prepared Jeff's recipe and served it to our guests. Unfortunately, it was at this point that the smirking and Lutheran-baiting had to stop.
It tasted terrific.
richardglover@ozemail.com.au
Blasphemy!
1 pound ground beef
can of mushroom soup
small can of chopped black olives
ketchup
Worchestershire Sauce
two bricks of cream cheese.
Saute beef. When beef is cooked, add rest of ingredients. Stir over low heat until cream cheese melts. Pour in 9X13 cake pan. Cover with canned doughboy biscuits. Bake in 350 oven until biscuits are cooked through and browned.
No, I don't eat this myself. I would die. I had it once at someone else's house about 20 years ago, and it was like eating a mushy brick: very heavy on the tummy, yet oddly tasteless. I regretted it at the time, and for days after. I asked for the recipe out of curiosity, and this is what I was told to do. Note the absence of fresh anything, except the hamburger.Be afraid. Be very afraid.
What most people miss aboot the wacky diet is that the majority of Lutherans in Minnesooota smoke alot of dope.
I'm a Presbiedterian,so I'm clean,we have da more better cass-a-rollls,like wild rice hotdish.I made one just the other weekend with ground Elk,FRESH onions,green pepper,garlic,celery,mushrooms,a few splashes of soy sauce and some black pepper and yes CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP....to die for....if you wanna be fancy put fresh cut tamaters on top 15 min before it's boiled over,if it's the dead of winter,use catsup.
oh yah,the moose burgers were served with an optional slice of,Kraft American singles.
Blasphemy!
Obviously a recipe from an ECLA heretic.
OK,that's enough ;-)
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