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The Official ATRW Newbie Guide

This is a compendium of assorted wisdom and musings of the ATRW thread, appearing daily around 7:30am on Free Republic. It is by no means complete, hardly accurate, and certainly not precise. It just is. Get over it already. It may not be right, but it may come in handy to someone new to the thread. If that sounds like you, read on. If it doesn't, read on anyway, and flame away at all of the Where's Waldo mistakes you see here!!! - Bitwhacker, 5-May-2002

Dear ATRW Newbie:

If you are reading this, chances are that you have just stepped into the ATRW thread and are now wondering what that is stuck to the bottom of your shoe. Well I am here to help you. Read on and prepare for all ATRW mysteries to be explained.

ATRW is short for America the Right Way, AKA The Thread, or 'Da Thread' (in NY), or sometimes "The Dead Thread' if there ain't nobody around. ATRW always has a Day count. This count is the current running total of days since a certain former President who shall remain nameless (more on that later!) left office, allowing the adults to take charge of our national government for the first time in eight, long, arduous, bataan-Death-March-like years. If you have to ask why that is such a big deal, you really don't wanna be hanging around ATRW -- the thread is all about what should be done -- as in 'the right way', get it???

We are officially a 'cheese thread'. I'll get to defining terms in sec; just remember that there are several 'forums' on FR, all dedicated to certain topics: News/Activism, Campaign 2002, VetsCoR, and the infamous General Interest, or 'cheese' forum. The General Interest Forum is truly Seinfeldian -- It's about NOTHING!!! And...EVERYTHING!!! Anything goes, basically, which can be a boon or a bust, depending on who's at the controls when the missiles start flying! But generally speaking (all puns intended), the forum is a Good Thing.

You will notice that the thread is started by a gentleman with the impossible-to-type screen name of Chairman_December_19th_Society. If you were living in a cave with Al Qa'eda in 1998, then you wouldn't know that December 19th is the day that a certain ex-President who shall remain nameless (don't ask -- I'll fill you in) became the first elected President to be impeached (and, who was 'acquitted' on MY Birthday -- but don't mention that either!).

Anyway, The Chairman, or Chair, usually kicks off the thread with some news or items of interest for the day (and on holidays, especially, he comes up with some truly inspirational material that will take your breath away). He then includes a ping list to all of the usual suspects, and then it's wide open from there. He usually adds a Daily Update of Headlines from the Washington Times, each with a sub-head and a comment. Usually, the one-line comment is better than the head or sub-head, IMHO.

One last thing about Chair. If you are a disruptor or just feel like gettin' randy with that debate thing, be forewarned: It would behoove you to have not only your rhetorical ducks in a row; you had better have the geese, swans, and generally all figurative waterfowl written down on 3x5 cards before you launch, or the guy will have your lunch and be looking at your dinner menu before you can say 'disruptor'. Many men have tried, and many men have died, as they say. And after that, there is a Murderer's Row of heavy hitters behind him that will have atcha -- and not only will you be rhetorically destroyed, you'll also be mocked in myriad ways, including, but not limited to, quotes from Monty Python and Mel Brooks movies, and an assortment of cheese and moose references. Don't say I didn't warn you.

But if you are cool about it, then you are welcome. Boy are you welcome!!! Once you start posting regularly, then go away and don't leave a note written by your mom excusing your absence, they will ping and fret and put out APBs on ya until you return!! (And whatever you do, don't mention your Birthday!!! Elephants have nothing on the memory of these people -- they are the Birthday Terminators!!!! Ummm....Er...But I digress...)

OK, so ya got the general gist of The Thread, so let's get to some Do's and Don'ts. You can take these for what they are worth, but I am telling you, they exist through the hard-won experiences and anguish of the intrepid few! Here they are:

DO's:

1. DO be cordial; everybody here is. You will be amazed at the gracious good will these people have and the ways in which they express it. If only the Democrats posessed just a tiny fraction of this kind of grace, then we wouldn't have to crush them or their agenda....

2. DO express new ideas, different opinions, alternate theories to what you see. Everyone rises to a good debate (except me, who will probably make a pun out of your post, but don't mind me; I'm OK after the medication kicks in).

3. DO provide links when you refer to data. We are all political junkies, and it's not that we don't trust you; we just want to look at the pretty graphs, too.

4. DO look for the thread around 7:30am every day. It's there, like an old friend who shows up on your doorstep.

5. DO help friends in need. Disruptors appear from time to time and say the most hurtful things; these people need to have an attitude adjustment, and we are just the therapists to apply the treatment!

6. DO try to pick the thread up when it is dead. It is hard to define when a thread is dead, but you will know it when you see it. When you do, posting show tunes or poetry usually gets the pulse back.

7. DO try to include gratuitous slams of the French as Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys. Always prudent!!

DON'Ts:

1. DON'T say the name of the former president prior to President George W. Bush. UOx42, or just x42, is the ticket: Unmentionable One, Ex-President 42. There are less-savory oblique references, but UOx42 will get you started until your tolerance for disgust at the Dope from Hope reaches full boil -- and then you can coin your own label!!!

2. DON'T mention your Birthday. Ever. Just don't. Trust me on this one; they'll descend on you like a school of piranhas who just noticed a wild boar crossing the Amazon -- and they'll have about the same mercy going about it, too.

3. DON'T mention the Yankees. Or the Green Bay Packers. Or the Redskins. Unless they lose (include score if possible). Mention of Philadelphia Sports Teams is always OK, particularly fanatical praise.

4. DON'T grace the thread and then just disappear. You'll hurt the ones you love.

5. DON'T ask questions about the weather!!!! I mean it!!! An innocent question like: 'Hey, is going to rain today?' usually elicits the following response:

WUUS54 KBMX 301410
SVRBHM
ALC059-301445-

BULLETIN - EAS ACTIVATION REQUESTED
SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE BIRMINGHAM AL
909 AM CDT TUE APR 30 2002

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN BIRMINGHAM HAS ISSUED A

* SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING FOR...
FRANKLIN COUNTY IN NORTHWEST ALABAMA

* UNTIL 945 AM CDT

* AT 906 AM CDT...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A
SEVERE THUNDERSTORM 5 MILES WEST OF RUSSELLVILLE...MOVING EAST AT
30 MPH.

* LOCATIONS IN OR NEAR THE PATH OF THIS STORM INCLUDE...RURAL
NORTHEASTERN FRANKLIN COUNTY.

STRONG DAMAGING WIND...AND LARGE HAIL ARE LIKELY WITH THIS STORM. TAKE COVER IN A STURDY SHELTER UNTIL THE STORM PASSES.

CALL 1-800-856-0758 TO REPORT SEVERE WEATHER.

LAT...LON 3453 8796 3440 8781 3447 8755 3457 8766

WWWW

Now, if you were maybe goin' for an answer something like, 'Yes.', you can see the error of your ways immediately.

6. DON'T ever talk to someone named Lorena. There is a general standing rule against it.

7. DON'T ever question any of my posts; they have been pre-screened and are guaranteed to be accurate, factual, insightful or funny (or a permutation of the aforementioned options).

And that's it. So, as the Chairman says: You now have the info: go drive the liberals crazy! Let's Roll!