This was copied from a text version that I saved off-line… There used to be a link to it, but I can't remember where. This is really really funny so bear with it's length!
_______________________________________________Script for The Two Towers (wink wink ;~D)
[EDORAS - DAY - OUTSIDE - THEODRED'S FUNERAL]
THEODEN
Theodred, my son, my son.
EOMER
Sire, let me avenge your son. Let me hunt some orc.
(THEODEN stares vacantly at EOMER)
GRIMA
(whispers to THEODEN) Shya, right.
THEODEN
Nope, sorry.
EOMER
You're not the boss of me old man, I'm going.
EOWYN
I wanna come too!
(everyone but EOWYN laughs)
[PLAINS OF ROHAN - DAY - OUTSIDE]
ARAGORN
Look, one of the brooches Galadriel gave us in the deleted scenes on the DVD!
GIMLI
That's right! I think I fell in love with her, too!
(he holds the lock of her hair to his breast)
LEGOLAS
We're on the trail!
GIMLI
I can't run forever! I have stubby dwarf legs!
[PLAINS OF ROHAN/OUTSKIRTS OF FANGORN - SUNSET - OUTSIDE]
PIPPIN
I'm hungry!
MERRY
I'm tired!
PIPPIN
Are we there yet?
GRISHNAKH
Bet ant brrekfasst in Isengard, unnastan?
(EOMER and company gallop onto the scene)
EOMER
Ro-Ro-Rohirrim ho!
ORCS
Aw, nuts.
MERRY
(to PIPPIN) Let's am-scray!
[FANGORN FOREST - DAY - OUTSIDE]
MERRY and PIPPIN
Hey! Mr. tree! Don't step on us!
TREEBEARD
Hoom... Such interesting creatures. Want to come back to my place for a drink?
MERRY and PIPPIN
Uh... okay.
[EMYN MUIL - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
(SAM is attacked by GOLLUM. SAM beats GOLLUM back with his frying pan)
FRODO
Sam! Leave him alone. Hey, Gollum, wanna come with us? I've got the ring.
GOLLUM
Calls us Smeagol, dammit.
[TREEBEARD'S PLACE - NIGHT - "INSIDE"]
TREEBEARD
...allala lumbar hom rumbatumbatoo walalalaaah. And that is how we say "yes". Well, one way we say "yes".
PIPPIN
(nudges MERRY awake)
Er, yes. That's *really* interesting, mr. tree.
MERRY
Crud, there's more of them coming.
ENTS
Hooooooooooooooooooom halala tralalaboomtië boomburumba hoooom...
(MERRY and PIPPIN begin to weep)
[PLAINS OF ROHAN - DAY - OUTSIDE]
(ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are still running. GIMLI is comically out of breath. EOMER and company ride upon them)
EOMER
Ho there! You're not with Saruman are you? Or even worse, that witch Galadriel?
GIMLI
Witch? Why I oughta...
ARAGORN
Calm down, Gimli. (to EOMER) We're hunting orc!
EOMER
Really? Me too! Just caught some a ways back.
ARAGORN
Did you happen to see any halflings with them?
EOMER
Nah, we just killed everything and burned the bodies. Not much time for looking.
ARAGORN
Thanks... that's very... reassuring.
EOMER
No problem. Hey, you guys want some horses? I'm already in deep with the king, so I figure what the hey.
ARAGORN
Thanks!
[DEAD MARSHES - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
FRODO
Gollum, I see dead people.
GOLLUM
Calls us Smeagol, dammit.
SAM
Please, Frodo, let me kill him.
[FANGORN FOREST - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
GIMLI
Look, it's Saruman!
ARAGORN
Run away!
GANDALF
No, you idiots, it's me, Gandalf!
LEGOLAS
I see you've done your laundry.
ARAGORN
You're alive! But how?
GANDALF
We fell for ages it seemed, plummeting through the inky darkness...
GIMLI
(rolls eyes) Here we go...
ARAGORN
Oh, hey, we've got to get these horses back to Theoden.
GANDALF
Theoden! I need to speak with him. I'll come with you and tell you on the way.
ARAGORN
Oh great. I mean, great!
[EDORAS - DAY - INSIDE]
GRIMA
(whining) Sire, don't listen to Gandalf. He's a big liar.
GANDALF
Nay Theoden-king, I beseech you, heed no more the venom of this worm's tongue!
THEODEN
I don't know who to believe anymore! Well, since I have no idea what Gandalf said, I guess I'll take his advice.
GANDALF
You heard him, hit the road ya bum.
THEODEN
Oh, so THAT's what you meant.
GRIMA
Sire!
THEODEN
Nope, sorry. My mind's been made up for me. Now scram before someone else changes it.
GRIMA
(leaving) You haven't seen the last of me, old man!
THEODEN
Well, I suppose I'll let Eomer go as well. And maybe I'll make him my heir while I'm at it... Anyway, let's all go hunt some orc!
(the ROHIRRIM cheer)
EOWYN
I wanna come too!
(everyone but EOWYN laughs)
ARAGORN
Cheer up, little lady.
EOWYN
I love you.
ARAGORN
Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. I'm already spoken for...
(he indicates the Ring of Barahir as a wedding band)
EOWYN
Everything makes me sad.
[ENTMOOT - DAY - OUTSIDE]
TREEBEARD
Wake up young hobbits! The ents have decided to march on Isengard! It's payback time...
PIPPIN
Where's Isengard?
MERRY
It's where Saruman lives, you tuber.
PIPPIN
Who- (realization dawns) Oh, I'm sorry mr. tree, we have a very important... party... to attend...
MERRY
It's not going to work, Pip.
[HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI are on the parapet of the wall killing orcs)
LEGOLAS
Thirty eight!
GIMLI
Thirty seven!
ARAGORN
Hey guys, do you really think keeping track of your body counts is an appropriate message to send to the kids?
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI stare at each other momentarily)
GIMLI
Thirty eight! Now we are tied!
LEGOLAS
Thirty nine! I'm better than you!
HAMA
The orcs have breached the wall! I die...
ARAGORN
Everyone hide!
[HELM'S DEEP - DAWN - INSIDE]
THEODEN
I'm tired of waiting! I will not sit here like a badger in a... thing you put badgers in! I'm going out there!
ARAGORN
Aw jeez. Come on people, I guess we have to go with him.
THEODEN
See! The orcs run! Into that forest that wasn't there yesterday...
ARAGORN
The trees appear to be eating the orcs.
LEGOLAS
And what a strange and gruesome picture it is.
GIMLI
It certainly gives one an appetite.
(everyone stares at GIMLI)
[ISENGARD - DAY - OUTSIDE]
(MERRY and PIPPIN are dancing. bouncing chaotically is more like it)
MERRY and PIPPIN
(singing) The faggots are reeking! Hurrah! Hurrah!
(GANDALF, THEODEN, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, EOMER and several ROHIRRIM ride up)
GANDALF
What are you two doing?
PIPPIN
(grinning broadly) We have no idea.
GANDALF
(surveying the damage) I see. And what has happened here?
MERRY
The trees! The big scary trees! They came to life, er, no, they were alive, and they still are, but they came here, and they brought us with them, and then they tore everything to pieces. You don't want to make the trees mad, oh no. The eyes, the eyes...
GANDALF
I know that smell, Meriadoc.
MERRY
Huh? Oh, yeah. It seems Saruman had a private stash, ya know? Want some?
GANDALF
Perhaps later. For the moment, I have a pressing engagement with Saruman. Come!
PIPPIN
(watching the riders leave) Whatever. Hey, didn't he die?
MERRY
Come on. We'd better follow them so you can pick up the palantir.
[ORTHANC - DAY - OUTSIDE - FLOODED]
(SARUMAN appears on the balcony)
SARUMAN
Get off of my property, you damn kids! Look what you've done to my lawn!
GANDALF
Saruman! I strip you of your rank as head of the Order! I am now the White!
SARUMAN
Oh yeah smart*ss? I'd like to see you-
GRIMA
(from inside) I... can't... take it anymore!
(he pushes SARUMAN off of the balcony, impaling him on the RSWD)
(SARUMAN'S palantir rolls out of his hand to PIPPIN'S feet, who picks it up)
PIPPIN
Ooo... pretty!
GANDALF
Give me that you insufferable dolt!
PIPPIN
How come you didn't stay dead?
GANDALF
Come! We return to Rohan!
GIMLI
Back and forth, back and forth. All this riding is not good for a dwarf's hemorrhoids.
LEGOLAS
You sit behind me this time, Gimli.
PIPPIN
No really, I want to know. Why isn't he still dead?
[THE MORANNON - DAY - OUTSIDE]
FRODO
Look Sam, the front gate of Mordor, the Morannon.
GOLLUM
And on and on...
SAM
Please Frodo, let me kill that Smeagol.
GOLLUM
Calls us Gol- hrrr... Cruel tricksy masters... Fisssh... nice fisssh...
[CAMPSITE ON PLAINS OF ROHAN - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
PIPPIN
I'm stealing that palantir.
MERRY
Are you actually growing more stupid as time passes? Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. I'm going to bed.
(PIPPIN tickles the sleeping GANDALF'S nose with a feather. GANDALF swats his nose in his sleep and PIPPIN replaces the palantir with a rock. PIPPIN runs a safe distance away then looks deeply into the seeing stone)
EYE OF SAURON
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!
PIPPIN
Yoink!
(PIPPIN drops the stone then falls stiffly backwards, comatose)
MERRY
Pippin! Pippin! Are you all right?
(GANDALF approaches, smirking)
GANDALF
What a simpleton. Well, I suppose I had better see that this does not happen again.
(ARAGORN approaches)
ARAGORN
What happened? I heard a shriek!
GANDALF
(hands the palantir to ARAGORN)
Here, you keep this. I'm going to take this delinquent to Minas Tirith.
ARAGORN
Wonderful! Can I help you pack?
(ARWEN rides up with several ELVES)
ARWEN
Hi sweetie! Ohmigod, dad totally flipped when I told him I was giving up my immortality for you. He said the only way he'd allow that was if you were the king of Gondor. I don't think he was really serious, but I took him up on it and had Narsil reforged for you so you could go reclaim the throne. You WILL be king for me, right sweetie?
ARAGORN
(trying to smile) Oh, uh, yeah, great.
ARWEN
And I'm also supposed to "remind" you about the Paths of the Dead.
(ARAGORN visibly sags)
ARAGORN
I have to do THAT, too?
ARWEN
Well of course, silly! How else are you going to be king? Here's your sword and a nice banner I sewed for you all by myself which I'm sure will be very special to you and dear to your heart always.
ARAGORN
Well, in the tradition of things having far too many names, I rename this sword Anduril. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go lie down and try not to kill myself.
[ITHILIEN FOREST - DAY - OUTSIDE]
(FRODO is asleep. GOLLUM is making various incoherent threatening grunts and hoots at SAM)
SAM
Why do you always have to be so weird? Be a dear and go find us some food, why don't you?
GOLLUM
(hisses violently)
Oh, yes my preciousss, yesss... we goes... we goes...
(crawls away muttering and snickering to himself, casting suspicious glances over his shoulder)
SAM
Crazy bugger. Don't know why we have to bring him along. (mocking) "Wanna come with us? I've got the ring."
(he continues to mutter to himself as several menacing figures emerge from the gloom)
SAM
Uh oh. Wake up, Frodo! We've got visitors.
FARAMIR
Ho there you silly little men! What are you doing in my forest?
FRODO
We, uh, we were... gathering herbs, right Sam?
SAM
Oh, yes, Ithilien's the only place to go this time of year for mugwump and, er, grickleberry.
FARAMIR
You boys had better come with me. Men, blindfold them!
[DUNHARROW - EARLY MORNING - INSIDE]
ARAGORN
Oh, this is so stupid.
(he looks into the palantir)
EYE OF SAURON
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!
ARAGORN
Er, hello, yes. Just to let you know, I'm reclaiming the throne of Gondor, and I'm going to come kick-
(SAURON begins to chuckle)
ARAGORN
Hey, I'm not kidding! I've got the blade that cut off your finger here. They fixed it for me.
(SAURON begins laughing outright)
ARAGORN
Fine, then. I'm out of here. You'd just better watch your back, is all I'm saying.
SAURON
WAIT! DON'T GO! TELL ME MORE! OHO! OHO! THIS IS PRICELESS!
(ARAGORN puts the palantir down)
LEGOLAS
So how did it go?
ARAGORN
Oh. It went well. He's really shaking. Well, it's time to ride the Paths of the Dead.
GIMLI
And those would be exactly...
ARAGORN
A tunnel through the mountain, inhabited by the ghosts of a long dead army. No living thing has ever returned from those caves once the spirits moved in.
GIMLI
Then why would we go there? And how do you know what's there if no one's ever come back?
ARAGORN
Well, technically, that army owes my family a favor. I'm going to collect on that debt.
GIMLI
And are ghosts known for their good credit?
ARAGORN
Stop asking so many questions. You're giving me a headache. Let's go.
[HENNETH ANNUN - DAY - INSIDE]
FARAMIR
So you see! Even if your lies had not been so transparent I still would easily have been able to deduce that you had been traveling with my brother, Boromir
(FRODO begins to look apprehensive)
and that you carry the One Ring
(FRODO is getting panicky and steps backward)
and that my brother, sadly, is dead.
(FRODO stops, stunned)
FRODO
Dead?
FARAMIR
Yes, didn't you know? No matter, you need not fear that I shall try to take the ring as he did.
FRODO
How the hell do you know all of this?
FARAMIR
(taps his finger on the side of his nose)
I read the script. Well, I don't see any reason to keep you here any longer. You can go on your way. Oh, and take your slimy little friend with you, he's fouling up our pool.
SAM
I haven't been near your pool!
FRODO
He means Gollum, Sam.
[PATHS OF THE DEAD - SPOOKY - INSIDE]
GIMLI
Aragorn, how much further do you suppose it is to the exit? I do not like this place...
LEGOLAS
Ha! Who'd have thought it? A dwarf frightened of a cave!
GIMLI
If I weren't scared pantless right now I'd make you eat those words...
(a ghostly form looms out of the gloom near LEGOLAS)
LEGOLAS
Boo!
(the ghost drifts away. LEGOLAS laughs heartily)
LEGOLAS
(to GIMLI) Chicken.
ARAGORN
You can relax, Gimli. The exit is just ahead.
(the company exits into the night followed by a silent spectral army)
[MINAS TIRITH - DAWN - OUTSIDE]
(GANDALF and PIPPIN approach the city on SHADOWFAX)
GANDALF
Here we are, Pippin, Minas Tirith.
PIPPIN
So we're safe then?
GANDALF
Hardly! Any day now Sauron's forces will come swarming over the river.
PIPPIN
And the dangerous part is...?
GANDALF
(to himself) Why didn't I send someone else to take him?
PIPPIN
By the way, why *aren't* you dead?
[DUNHARROW - VERY CLOUDY DAY - INSIDE]
MERRY
Everyone left without me. I feel so useless.
THEODEN
You *are* a clever little thing! How would you like to be a Rider of Rohan?
MERRY
Are meals included?
THEODEN
But of course!
MERRY
All right, I'm in.
THEODEN
Prepare yourselves men, for tomorrow we ride to war!
MERRY
Oh that's right, there's fighting involved. Well, one can always hope for a quick death.
EOWYN
(to MERRY) psst. How do you like my clever disguise?
MERRY
You do have some issues, don't you.
[MORGUL VALE - CLOUDY NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
FRODO
Boy, look at the size of that army leaving Minas Morgul. I'd sure hate to be on the receiving end of that.
SAM
And I don't like the look of those clouds that have been pouring over the mountains these last few days.
FRODO
Still, we must go on. Where did you say this secret entrance was, Gollum?
GOLLUM
Calls- never minds. Rights here its is. In this pitch black webs covered hole. But nice masters musn't worry, no, nothing inside.
FRODO
Right then. Come along Sam. Are you coming Gollum?
GOLLUM
Nooo... we'll just waits outside and picks our precious off of your corpses later. mmm... Tasty corpseses...
FRODO
Very well. Goodbye then Gollum. You've been a great help.
[SHELOB'S LAIR - PERPETUAL DARKNESS - INSIDE]
SAM
Sure is dark in here. Wish we had some light.
GALADRIEL (V.O.)
Let it be a light for you in dark places.
FRODO
Of course.
(FRODO brings out the phial, which begins to glow)
SAM
A phial. What makes it glow so?
FRODO
Earendil.
SAM
If you say so.
(FRODO and SAM continue down the tunnel. In the shadows behind them we see SHELOB )
END
