From the Babylon Bee:
Local man Brian Cole Jr. reportedly had his invitation to the annual FBI Christmas Party rescinded after being arrested under suspicion that he was the January 6 Pipe Bomber.
Federal agents raided Cole’s home on Thursday after successfully linking him to the mysterious hooded suspect who had planted explosive devices at both the Democratic and Republican National Committee Headquarters on the eve of January 6, which sources confirmed was a big “no-no” for federal employees.
“Cole was one of our best, but he violated his oath when he got caught,” Special Agent Dylan Ravenslaw said during a press conference where he announced the arrest. “We simply cannot have such sloppy employees at our Christmas party.”
According to sources, the 30-year-old suspect expressed regret for planting pipe bombs and was reportedly cooperating with authorities in exchange for leniency. “Can someone at least make me a plate? You guys put together the best spread every year and — ugh, I never should have participated in that secret shadow operation,” Cole was quoted as saying during an eight-hour interrogation.
Though reports circulated that Cole had ties to Antifa, FBI sources revealed that that would not have precluded the bureau from hiring him on. “We’ve had a strong working relationship with Antifa for years,” one insider said. “Our interorganizational softball games with them are fun, too.”
At publishing time, President Trump was reportedly meeting with FBI Director Kash Patel later today looking for answers as to why he also wasn’t invited to the annual FBI Christmas Party.