“Next they will want you to register your toilet paper purchases and want to know how many squares you used for each bathroom experience.”
Why not grow your own?
https://sowexotic.com/products/toilet-paper-plant-plectranthus-barbatus?_pos=1&_psq=toi&_ss=e&_v=1.0
Ferns are the best natural toilet paper that grows in my area. They are abundant and free, non-chafing and biodegradable.