My Fellow Americans...I did not drop out. Anyone that says otherwise is a lying dog-faced pony soldier
My fellow Americans. I am speaking to you tonight to make several major announcements. First, I have just fired my back stabbing b!tch vice president Kamala Harris. I never wrote that letter. I have also fired my den of snakes cabinet. Second, I hereby announce my resignation from the Presidency. House Speaker Mike Johnson, you can clean up this mess; I’m outta here. Also, we stole the 2020 election and Michelle Obama is a dude. I can’t believe you couldn’t see that!