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As I understand it, this is the correct history including the Civil War.

Life was blissful in the South before 1860, after founding the nation under t e first Democratic president, Democrat plantation owners treated their black guests to a luxurious lifestyle that included free sexual pleasuring when Daddy was not home. Sons and wives were prominently featured in this gesture, as was a certain Colonel Angus.

Nasty northern Republicans, with profit and environmental degradation on their agenda, came into the peaceful South with vast armies, caused chaos, forcing any black guests to flee to safer places.

The Republican Party controlled the United States from about the start of the Civil War to 1960, doing nothing but great harm and paving over the entire country with unnecessary roads and airports. Black people were forced to work on these at starvation wages while wealthy white Republicans played golf and high-fived each other while drinking martinis and smoking cigars or (for ladies) cigarettes.

Democrats tried to change things for the better under their own plutocrat, FDR, but he was only able to create a dust bowl and world war two. Even worse, his successor won that war and dropped bombs on the peace-loving Japanese. A nicer liberal was needed, and JFK came along. Finally there was a Democrat who could seduce women. This was such a novelty, every Democrat tried to seduce women, and some actually succeeded. The rest went to an island in the Caribbean where seduction was not necessary.

Republicans from time to time attempted to revive their miserable regime of hard work, family values and rule of law, most notably with the warmonger Reagan, whose only major accomplishments were the non-violent end of the Soviet Union, social harmony and a booming economy. With such a miserable track record, it was no wonder that the nation turned to Bill Clinton, with his dashing manner and ability to seduce women of all ages (between 14 and 23).

The legacy of the Civil War runs deep in American society. Blacks long for the time when Democrats looked after them, gave them so many sexual opportunities, and it was not necessary to turn to the exertion of basketball or rap music to have a full cultural expression. Republicans destroyed that wonderful time and will never earn the vote of any black American, until they too provide a plantation, a bed, and the other amenities expected.

Now we finally have true social justice, no law and order for rich Democrats, lots of court time for Republicans and especially conservative Republicans, and no border so anyone who wants to be part of this utopia can easily get in, stay in, and be included, even getting to vote two or three times if so inclined. That is, if we survive the climate crisis, which we won’t, unless we eat bugs, elect michelle obama president, fend off Putin, bring justice to Palestinians, and ride bicycles to work.

God bless America, land of liberties taken by Democrats, a shining illusion on a hill.