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OK, let’s get started.

You need the proper setting and mood to write a really effective opus. Pull all the shades and light a few candles. If you don’t have any candles, then light your draft opus on fire. Believe me, everyone will thank you.

Put on some sad music. I recommend “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. If you don’t have that, then put on “Muskrat Love”. That one always makes me cry.

“What should you wear when writing an opus?”

Glad you asked. Costuming is important. Just ask Bruce Jenner. I think that you should wear flannel pajamas with footies in them. They’re comfortable and warm and flannel will easily absorb all the tears you will be crying as you lay out your guts for everyone to see. I’ve seen guts laying out. It’ll make you puke. You don’t want to puke all over your flannel jammies do you? I thought not. Keep your guts where they belong.

Now, you’re ready to begin writing.

Keep in mind the first rule of rhetoric:

“Always remember the audience.”

Maybe we can skip that one because if you were thinking of the audience you wouldn’t be wasting the space on our computer screens with your opus.

Make your opus a stand-alone thread. You’re writing an opus to draw attention to yourself and your feelings. Don’t bury your feelings in a post at the bottom of a thread about Marie Osmond. Though, lord knows, I think we could all do with more threads about Marie Osmond around here. Especially with photos. Lots of photos....of her in that little black dress she wears in that commercial. But I digress.

Use some old opuses as a guide for your opus. “Plagiarism is the highest form of flattery.” It’s also much quicker. Just ask the Washington Post.

Be sure to talk down to everyone. I don’t know about you, but I always appreciate someone telling me what I think and why I think it. It’s amazing how many Kreskins we have writing opuses.

Be flamboyant. Get out the old thesaurus and wow us with your vocabulary. Use lots of metaphors and analogies. Here’s one of my favorites from a past opus.

“You are as dumb as a cow pie cooking under the hot sun in a green pasture.”

Oh.....wait....that wasn’t an opus. That was my Mom’s birthday card to me. But you get the idea.

Let everyone know how long you’ve been on Free Republic. Tell everyone about how you wrote your first post with charcoal from the fireplace on a shovel. That really gets ‘em.

Make sure everyone knows that they’ll be sorry that you’re gone. Try putting a curse on everyone you’re leaving behind. That will put a dark cloud over their joy that you’re leaving.

Tell the owner that he’s really going to miss that money you thought about giving to run this site. That dollar you save can now be used to donate to the Hillary “Fighting For You!” Campaign. The treasurer is Ambassador Stevens.

Close your opus with a real stinger. It’s the last thing we’ll read from you. “I hope you all get cooties!”, while dramatic, has been overdone in the opus world. How about something like, “You won’t have me to kick around anymore!” That gives us all an incentive to find you and slap some sense into you.

If you use these helpful tips, I’m sure the quality of opuses here on Free Republic will improve!

https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3430275/posts

H/t blueunicorn6 2016