13 Billion Dead After Trump Unbanned From Twitter
WORLD
·
Nov 20, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
WORLD — Thirteen billion people have already died horrible deaths mere hours after former President Donald Trump was reinstated to Twitter.
“We should have seen this coming,” said a distraught Elon Musk, surveying the killing fields. “The liberals, they tried to warn me - but I just wouldn’t listen! Oh, curse the day that I started reading that dastardly Babylon Bee!”
Just as Democrats predicted, the entire earth descended into chaos and violence within mere seconds of Trump’s account being restored. “The barbarity unleashed by President Trump posting words on a website has literally killed every human on earth and then killed billions of them again,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “I myself have already died seventeen times from Trump’s tweets. Oh no, there’s another notification from Twitter! Goodbye, cruel world!”
As the world burned to ashes, Mr. Trump continued to steadfastly tweet through it all. “Wow! Best apocalypse going on, maybe EVER! I’d like to see SLEEPY JOE start an armageddon like this!!” posted Mr. Trump. “Rest assured your FAVORITE PRESIDENT will be ready to Make America Great Again when the nuclear covfefe has settled!!”
At publishing time, Mr. Trump had called for an end to the violence, directly causing another billion people to die.
https://babylonbee.com/news/13-billion-dead-after-trump-unbanned-from-twitter
Katie Hobbs Projected To Win Arizona Governor’s Race With 108% Of Precincts Reporting
POLITICS
·
Nov 15, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
PHOENIX, AZ — In a stunning outcome to a highly scrutinized race, Katie Hobbs, the charismatic leader and official vote counter of Arizona, has emerged victorious after 108% of the state’s voting precincts reported in. Though mathematicians were puzzled by the plausibility — and, indeed, possibility — of the results, Democrats were quick to hail Hobbs’s win as a victory for democracy itself.
“We knew things looked really bad for weeks leading up to election night, what with abysmal approval ratings for our party, Americans feeling negatively about the overall direction of the country, and Ms. Hobbs being afraid to debate her opponent or even appear in public,” said Hobbs’s campaign spokesperson Hailey Barber-Berger-Jorgensen. “But we felt very confident that once we got our vote tallies from all 108% of precincts, including those in other states and overseas, we would come out victorious.”
Republicans were quick to point out that it’s not actually possible to have more votes than voters. “This is just another sign that the corrupt Democratic Party is on a crusade to rig our elections and destroy our once beautiful country,” former president Donald Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. “Katie Hobbs is a terrible person and I have trouble looking at her because of those awful glasses. Kari Lake is so much better and she, in fact, won her election, just as I did, though I won mine even more.”
Republicans have been roundly condemned for denying an election that was 8% more democratic than the last election.
At publishing time, Arizona election officials had notified all voting precincts that their tallies would not be needed and it was time to install even more drop-boxes for the 2024 election.
Lolololo oh that’s funny.
Most Babylon Bee satires are actually funny. I don’t like this one.
🤣😂🤣😂