OFFICER KRUPKE(West Side Story)
ACTION: See, those cops, they believe everythin they read in the papers about us cruddy JDs. So, thats what we give em somethin to believe in.
SNOWBOY (as Officer Krupke): Hey, you!
ACTION: Who, me, Officer Krupke?
SNOWBOY: Yeah, you! Give me one good reason for not draggin you down to the stationhouse, ya punk!
ACTION: Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke, ya gotta understand, its just our bringing-upke that gets us out of hand. Our mothers all are junkies, our fathers all are drunks: golly Moses, naturally were punks.
JETS: Gee, Officer Krupke, were very upset. We never had the love that every child ought to get. We aint no delinquents, were misunderstood. Deep down inside us there is good.
ACTION: There is good!
JETS: There is good, there is good, there is untapped good; like, inside the worst of us is good.
SNOWBOY: Thats a touchin good story.
ACTION: Let me tell it to the world!
SNOWBOY: Just tell it to the judge!
ACTION: Dear kindly Judge, Your Honor: my parents treat me rough. With all their marijuana, they wont give me a puff. They didnt want to have me, but somehow I was had: leapin lizards, thats why Im so bad.
JUDGE: Right! Officer Krupke, youre really a square. This boy dont need a judge, he needs an analysts care. Its just his neuroses that ought to be curbed. Hes psychologically disturbed!
ACTION: Im disturbed!
JETS: Were disturbed, were disturbed, were the most disturbed; like, were psychologically disturbed!
JUDGE: Hear ye, hear ye: in the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he aint had a normal home.
ACTION: Hey, Im depraved on account of Im deprived!
JUDGE: So, take him to a head-shrinker.
ACTION: My daddy beats my mommy. My mommy clobbers me. My grandpa is a commie. My grandma pushes tea. My sister wears a moustache. My brother wears a dress. Goodness gracious, thats why Im a mess.
HEAD-SHRINKER: Yes! Officer Krupke, he shouldnt be here. This boy dont need a couch, he needs a useful career. Societys played him a terrible trick, and, sociologically, hes sick.
ACTION: I am sick!
JETS: We are sick, we are sick, we are sick sick sick; like, were sociologically sick!
HEAD-SHRINKER: In my opinion, this child does not need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.
ACTION: Hey, Ive got a social disease!
HEAD-SHRINKER: So take him to a social worker.
ACTION: Dear kindly social worker, they tell me get a job; like be a soda-jerker, which means like be a slob. Its not Im anti-social, Im only anti-work; glorie-osky, thats why Im a jerk!
SOCIAL WORKER: Yechh! Officer Krupke, youve done it again! This boy dont need a job, he needs a year in the pen. It aint just a question of misunderstood: deep down inside him, hes no good!
ACTION: Im no good!
JETS: Were no good, were no good, were no earthly good; like the best of us is no damn good!
JUDGE: The trouble is hes lazy!
HEAD-SHRINKER: The trouble is he drinks!
SOCIAL WORKER: The trouble is hes crazy!
JUDGE: The trouble is he stinks!
HEAD-SHRINKER: The trouble is hes growing!
SOCIAL WORKER: The trouble is hes grown!
ALL: Krupke, weve got troubles of our own!
JETS: Officer Krupke, were down on our knees
ACTION: cause no one wants a fella with a social disease!
JETS: Hey, Officer Krupke, what are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke, krup you!
In the midst of all that (parody, I know), the truth comes leaking out.
Officer Krupke is the only one with his head on straight, and everybody tell him to fsck off.
“Dear kindly Judge, Your Honor: my parents treat me rough. With all their marijuana”.”
Where’d this all start, anyway?