ARTHUR It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR What?
GALAHAD He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS [chuckling]
ARTHUR Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
GALAHAD What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD Mind your own business!
ARTHUR If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD What a strange person.
ARTHUR Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff]
ARTHUR Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD (Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD (Fetchez la vache!). [mooo]
ARTHUR If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--[twong] [mooooooo] Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS Christ! [thud]. Ah! Ohh!...
ARTHUR Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS Charge! [mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. [mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR Run away!
KNIGHTS Run away!
FRENCH GUARD Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS [taunting]
LANCELOT Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR No, no. No, no.
BEDEVERE Sir! I have a plan, sir.