Note: humor and not intended to offend anyone ; ), And it probably helps if you imagine it being performed by Monty Python. And a bit of knowledge of medieval English history….
Professional the Shubber: Tis so called Black Death be not as bad as they would have ye believe.
Impimp the Pimp of Shropshire: Tis but a scratch I tell ye. The barons be inflatin’ the numbers to make King Edward III look bad. Besides twas Edward II that left this mess what with the shortage of medicinal newts in the royal stockpile and all not to mention his gayness.(1)
Edward III Girl No Cats: Of course, h’s being led ASTRAY!!! by those so called PLAGUE doctors. What do THEY know anyhow, what with THEIR face masks and ALL!!!!!!! I do tell ye, I ain’t be wearing one of THOSE!!!.
Professional the Shubber: Buboes or not, they aint to lock me up in no quarantine neither. (spit)(cough) Pox be upon them all!
Impimp the Pimp of Shropshire: I tell ye who is behind this attempted coup - Isabella of France and her lover Roger Mortimer.
Edward III Girl No Cats: The King’s own MOTHER???!!!!. I ‘erd she was banished back to France. And me THOUGHT Mortimer twas BEHEADED!!!!!?????
lodi90 of Sherwood: Ney. That’s what they Barons want ye to think. I heard it be told that the Sheriff of Q has the real story on all that, something about “Trust The Earl of Sessions” ‘ow ever ‘e is.
Professional the Shubber: I tell ye what else. We be shutting down the whole shire based on the numbers out of York. And ye know half of those in York be Viking scum anyway. I say let ‘m die. And France and Italy, sure they have a lot of deaths but they are smelly people anyway and eat weird food. And I ‘ear if someone be shot though the eye with an arrow or thrown off their horse, they be calling it ‘cause o the Black Death now just to get us all scared.
Impimp the Pimp of Shropshire: Eye. But I did hear of a possible cure. A doctor out o Canterbury sayest that if ye takest some onions and herbs also a chopped up snake and rub on the boils, it cures it in a minute. Or cut up a pigeon and doest the same if ye can’t find a snake (2). I heard King Edward III sayest tis true but these so called “plague doctors” like Sir Fauci of Normandy sayest it needs to be studied first. But if the simple and cheap onion and snake cure works that twould mean all this social distancing tis for naught. I sayest that we should all infect each other and then takest the onion and snake cure and get it over quickly. Then we can get back to our shrubbering and pimping or being serf.
lodi90 of Sherwood: And ye know what else? We should kill all the cats and dogs in the shire cause they bringeth the disease.
Edward III Girl No Cats: CATS AND DOGS!!!! Surely they be the CAUSE!!!. And without them, we’d ‘ave a LOT MORE!!!! rats and I did ‘ear that rats are LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
And so in the Shire of PlaugeBros and Bras, by 1348, everyone was dead.
(1) Look up Edward II and Piers Gaveston (2) This was an actual plague “cure”.
Hahaha!
Very good!