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Blonde Mortician

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

SCOTCH WITH 2 DROPS OF WATER

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today. ‘The bartender says’ well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.

‘As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up’ says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’ The old woman replies ‘sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’