[Bloody Sam Roberts]

Q. Why did God create snakes before lawyers?

A. He needed the practice.

[MayflowerMadam]

Jimmy told that on “Better Call Saul” this week. Funny.

[DoodleDawg]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender greets him, looks him up and down, and says, "What the heck happened to you? You look terrible!"

The pirate replies, "What de ye mean? I feel fine."

The bartender says, "Well the last time you were here you had two legs. Now you have one."

"Aye, that be true," the pirate replies, "ye see we were is a battle at sea and a cannonball came and took me leg off. But the saw bones fixed me up with the peg leg and I be fine, really."

"Well what about your hand," the bartender asked? Last time you were here you had two. Now you have one."

"Aye, that be true," said the Pirate, "well we were in another battle and this scurvy nave took me hand off with his cutlass. But the saw bones fixed me up with this hook and I be fine, really."

"What about your eye," the bartender asked? "Last time you were here you had both eyes, now you have one."

"Aye, that be true," the pirate replied, "Well ye see, we was sailing along and I heard this noise from above. I looked up and a seagull crapped right in me eye."

"I can see where that might be unpleasant," said the bartender. "But how does that put out your eye?"

"Well ye see," replied the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."