My son whom I dearly loved certainly had faults but he did learn what you are saying and was a great help and comfort to me in many ways. What happened with him wasn't my fault in the events and choices, but I blame myself for passing on the anxiety gene which tormented us both terribly. He fought so hard to cover it up, made many accomplishments but eventually it was a woman who was the primary cause for losing him. He loved her so much and gave her so much, and she and his best friend and business partner betrayed him in an awful way. The only way I can deal with that part of it is to not think about it. I don't blame him for what he did,
He did, towards the end, wrote me such a loving and appreciative email for how good I was to him as a child, I have printed it out and put with my treasured keepsakes.
Christmas, I can't like other people do the last couple years, too much physical and emotional pain combined, spend most of the time in bed. The best I can do is not ruin it for the others.
I felt bad about airing my family problems on that uplifting thread and thought about asking the mod to delete them, but let it be.
Hugs Aliska! Plus prayers for you and your family. Merry Christmas!