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I gotta confess that I lurk on these threads. Over the years I have copied and pasted the jokes that gave me the most giggles.

I don’t know who they came from originally, so I apologize for that.
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May Day from a Blonde

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control, and I heard you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position”

She says, “I’m 5’4” and I support Obama.”

“O.K.” says the voice on the radio.... “Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven...”

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A Marine was on a train in London and had just come from a tour in Afghanistan. He was very tired and wanted to sit down.

The only seat available was being occupied by a female poodle that belonged to a French woman. He asked her to please hold the dog in her lap so that he could sit down.
She turned her nose up at him and acted as though she hadn’t heard him.

He was so tired that he picked up the dog and threw it out of the window.

The French woman was very indignant and shouted, “Someone must protect my honor!”

There was a moment of silence but then a fine, English gentleman spoke up. He said, “I say ol’ chap. You Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things! You drive on the wrong side of the road. You hold your forks and knives in the wrong hands. Now look at what you have done! You have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

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President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier:”It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for her next vacation”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.”
“So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

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An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

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Blonde’s phone call to Mom

“Hi, Mom, it’s me.”

“Hi, Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store looking for a drill.”

“Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they’ve let me make one phone call, and that’s why I’m calling you.”

“Oh, my God! What happened?”

“Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face.”

“What on earth . . . Why did you do that?”

“Well, it really wasn’t my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.. Mom, I knocked the daylights out of her!”

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If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD”

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Dog Siren

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says “Hey little girl. What are you doing?”

The little girl says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.

“Thanks mister” says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

“Little girl”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little girl says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!’

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Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom, and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please!”

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Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us your teats, ye bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, “I don’t think they know who we are - show them your cross.”

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?”

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Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back the hearts of voters in Middle America in 2014!”

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheap, tacky clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the animal shelter and pick up a Labrador retriever.Then, we’ll go to a nice old roadhouse in Texas and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working middle-class people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Odessa, Texas. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of Lone Star beer for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Oh, hell no,” said the bartender. “Somebody’s running around town tellin’ folks there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

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When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment...then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

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I phoned my wife earlier.....
“I’m just heading off from work, do you want me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home?”
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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Women...nature’s version of a Rubik cube.
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I have a bumper sticker that says, “honk if you think I’m sexy”...
I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?” And then she went back to reading her book.

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Thanks for everyone’s effort over the years to bring a little humor to Fridays.