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The thread that links life and laughter - thanks Pookie.

My valentine gift to you. (Crazy old Momma Sod;)

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Old timers

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re Eighty............... who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told clerk”Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said “Nah... She’s purty good lookin’.....”

Smacked me right in the face, but...
When you’re Eighty..............who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re Eighty ....who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really” she said, “Go on then... try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”
Cost me a kick in the groin, but...
When you’re Eighty............... who cares?
*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re Eighty.............. who cares?

**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re Eighty............... who cares?
**********

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify...” I answered “a doctor.”
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.