Posted on 12/12/2016 7:30:36 AM PST by pabianice
It was like any other Friday night surrounded by my friends. We were drinking, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. One of my friends, “Debra”, was there, who uses they/them pronouns and identifies as a lesbian. We’ve gotten to know each other over the past year through mutual friend groups. We were flirting throughout the night, and once everyone left, we started to hook up. Things were going well, I thought, but we stopped. I then saw something was wrong, but never expected them to say, “Don’t ever take advantage of me again.”
I apologized and panicked because I didn’t know I took advantage of them. This had never happened to me before. I walked home feeling awful and overwhelmed by my thoughts. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I didn’t know, and that was my problem. It showed me firsthand how rape culture (a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women) was firmly ingrained in my masculinity. In other words, the way that I and other men were taught to perform our sexuality was violent and normalized.
At first, I got defensive. “Physical consent was established,” I thought, but somewhere along the way consent was lost. I reached out to Debra a few days later to gain an understanding of how I hurt them. They said they first wanted to hook up, but didn’t after we started. Once our conversation ended, I wondered why they didn’t say “no” or “stop” or “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I found myself blaming them rather than holding myself responsible. And what if they tried, and I didn’t know? I was acting like the men “who are performing equality so strongly that they don’t practice justice; who expect you to speak up, but who never ask.”
Ashamed, I had a lot of trouble reaching out to my friends for support. I feared that they would either dismiss what I told them by calling Debra “crazy” or refusing to engage with me for being problematic. It was very clear to me how we, as men, fear being vulnerable and channel that fear to dehumanize people with labels like “crazy”, “irrational” or “bitch.” Eventually I opened up and to my surprise was met with a lot of understanding and empathy. It was liberating because it made me realize how little compassion I had for myself. I wasn’t judged for my actions, but my friends told me where I was wrong and what I could do to hold myself accountable.
I want to use my experience to inspire other men to communicate. Not only with our partners, but with ourselves and each other. It was my miscommunication that cost me a friendship, but once I shared with my friends what happened I learned what I could do better next time.
Men, consent should always be vocalized because physical cues are hard to interpret and even harder when you’re drunk. Communication isn’t clear if both parties are intoxicated, and a lack of no is not a yes. Check in with your partner as things are getting physical and open lines of communication, especially when alcohol is involved. Establishing this comfort allows your partner to feel safer speaking up and saying “no.”
When women are being attacked for rejecting men, it shouldn’t be surprising why this fear is valid. Sexuality can be fluid, but I made the mistake to assume that everything that was happening was okay or that my partner would speak up if I was out of line. Check in with someone if they’re questioning their sexuality. They may believe they want to hook up, but could feel differently once things get intimate.
Rape culture needs to be addressed within our communities, in our friend groups and with our fathers, especially when we have an accused rapist becoming the president of the United States. Especially when masculinity is toxic and fragile. Men should talk with one another when we’re confused, ashamed or scared. We are drowning in the false notions of what it means to be a man and I don’t want to drown anymore. We shouldn’t rely on the emotional labor of women or non-binary to validate us, but rather be more sensitive with one another. We should learn together and work toward our liberation. We should help each other by engaging in more critical dialogues and leaning into this discomfort together.
Alisina Saee-Nazari is a Collegian contributor and can be reached at asaeenazari@umass.edu.
... So he/it/them was trying to hook up with a them lesbian???
Not these days. Spousal rape is a crime.
Man’s law says you have to bake the cake. I don’t take it very seriously.
True, but the Bible isn’t going to save you if it goes to court.
You have both given consent at the marriage ceremony.
Feminists even dispute that.
Drunk people often do not have the capacity to make informed judgments. And I think it is good that as a society we now frown on using drink or drugs as a way to “loosen” up sex partners to agree to do things they wouldn’t otherwise agree to.
I don’t agree that when two people are drunk, it’s the man’s fault if they do things. Two drunk people are either taking advantage of each other mutually, or are frankly just being stupid.
Further, while I don’t think one should accept full responsibility if a partner withdraws consent secretly and expects you to notice, I do think consent can be taken away at any time, and I would never want to be with someone if they had any possible doubt about it.
To the point where I refuse to do anything if drinking is involved, even if the person explicitly tells me that they give consent. As I explain, how can you exercise your right to withdraw consent if you are too drunk to give consent?
But seriously, the big thing is why would I ever want to do anything with someone unless they were actively interested and pushing it? Sex isn’t something to do, it is sharing something important. That’s why it is designed for a committed marriage relationship, and while that seems to be “abnormal” these days, it doesn’t change how sex works, even if people try very hard to make it so.
I’ve talked to people who were convinced sex was just a thing to do, until they actually found a partner who felt for them, and suddenly they understood the difference between just screwing around, and actually making love, and wondered why they let themselves get to that point.
While i hate the idea of guys getting screwed over by colleges with this rape culture thing, if it makes guys stop having meaningless sex, and forces them to make sure the people they sleep with are true partners who are committed to them, that’s a good thing.
That is because your brain works logically... This is pure Feminazi indoctrination at it's worst.
Man says to ‘Eve’ “how about it sweetie’... I get happy, you get pregnant - give birth in great pain - possibly die in child birth (before hospitals) and if you don't die you're tasked with 15 or 16 years of raising a child AND being dependent on me for survival. ARE YOU READY AND WILLING”?
Rational woman says ‘hell no are you nuts”?
If that choice stood there would be no human race.
Seduction, ‘agreements’, laws, religion, traditions etc. etc. are used to modify and shape sexual aggression, but the basis of it is still hardwired.
Wyfe still has to consent in marriage
You can’t just peel open and pour the coal to it
Woman has to be of a wanting nature
I know you meant that
Now, if your spouse actually LOVES you as they are instructed to, they will never force their right, but it is still a right.
i.e. a loving husband knows he can have his way any time he wants, but respects his wife’s desires. And vice versa.
good one
We have a winner.
Odd he doesn't say who taught him this.
Parents? Religious leaders? Cultural influence?
Interesting, eh?
oh my God! My head hurts now and i have no idea of what i just tried to read.
His website...butterflycrossing/about me page
What the heck did we just read? Was Debra considering herself two people? Or was he about to score a threesome?
That stupid looking piece of hardware stuck in his nose has bigger balls than he does.
And beard or no beard, I’m not 100% convinced that he’s a biological XY male.
Glad to see you got to it before I did.
Though I’m still not absolutely positive this person isn’t a he-she.
See 91.
He’s first generation American of Iranian descent. Wonder what his mohammedan dad taught him ...
The fake news is out in full force today (as usual).
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