“... that’s just rude”.
I think “destination” weddings are the “new” thing and quite frankly... I think they are stupid. I agree with you completely about the money issue. My nephew is having a destination wedding next Fall in New England. That would mean plane tickets or a 10 hour car ride, hotel for 5, boarding the pets and missing the first few days of school. I have already declined nicely. The rule of thumb USE to be the wedding was held in the bride’s “home town”. THAT makes complete sense to me.
I think it depends on where most of the people live.
Miss Manners was ranting about this stuff thirty years ago, saying things like, "Only those people whose names are on the invitation are invited," and "Either accept the invitation as-is or promptly and politely decline."
We attended one of those this summer, well, groom side.
We actually traveled to it because my husband’s family were from Colorado, and the groom and his bride returned home for the wedding so that his parents, several siblings, cousins and grandparents were all there. One day for the wedding, three for family visits with cousins, second cousins for our children. They saw it as a play date/vacation when you added in a rodeo, carnival, Pike’s Peak visit.
Then they went on the Caribbean honeymoon.
If someone said “I want you to come to our Caribbean honeymoon”, the answer would be no.
We were an exception to the rule - my wife moved around a lot and bounced between parents and grand-parents (none of whom lived in one place very long), so we had it in my hometown instead. The church was available, the reception was in my parents' back yard (we had a big event tent set up in the side yard, just in case, but it wasn't needed that day.)
If her family had been a bit more stable, we would definitely have followed the rule of thumb, and we really didn't go to plan B until we discussed it with them first and realized plan A wasn't going to be viable.