>> Buy at least a .40 cal...if not a .45cal ...
This is sometimes called the “mine is bigger than yours” syndrome. If you follow that path, and don’t like shooting it, you may end up trading it in for something more comfortable to shoot. .380 auto or 9mm is fine. (Or 38 special in a revolver.) In a defensive situation, placement of the first shot is far more important than caliber. This only comes from practice. Lotsa practice.
I’ve seen women walk out of gunstores (and bring to classes) firearms that they couldn’t even rack the slide.
Amen. There is no better way to make a newbie hate shooting than to start them on too much caliber. With today’s modern defensive bullets, 9mm is plenty. It’s what I carry, and one reason is I know my wife can also pick it up and shoot it effectively without flinching or being afraid to pull the trigger.
That’s why you train - and train often...in the state police academy we were all issued the same handgun...they learned to rack it — same can be said for the 45 cal...you have to impress in the shooter to get it to work...training...being a flower doesn’t mess well with the idea of buying and using a handgun for protection...it’s one or the other...same idea was told by me when training female solders on both the rifle and pistol ranges...very few at the beginning limp wristed the weapon and all made the mental note to get with the program....there has to be a minimal limit on caliber...then all other elements can be adjusted...like single stack vs double - length of barrel - ect...my initial speech to females or anyone for that matter is about surviving the initial engagement - and placing a round center mass may be harder on the first shot...where again , like you said...training and practice — is the only solution...