Posted on 01/09/2015 4:40:53 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Can I have her number?
Hold my beer.
Excellent
+1
Can you imagine the smell in that place?
I'm trying not to.
What will their major be???
Planting weed where no one will find it 101
Economics...cheap drugs = cheap sex
Ways to invent a disability
Community organization
Gibs me dat 101.
Derka derka top 60!
Something to relate to...
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?
I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... Chocolate is Salad.
Sfl.
"It reminded me of the time I lived half a block from a Steak and Egg in downtown Toledo [OH], on any cold winter's night it was infested with a crowd of 'Ladies of the Evening' if you will, [and I employ that term loosely] that instantly inspired me to refer that eatery as 'Steak and Hooker'--even 36 years later... "
A highway patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
“Fred,” he replies
“Fred what?” the officer asks
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.”
“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Oldie:
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death’s door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.
“Hey, Pepe” says the first Mexican, “ees a bacon tree! We’re saved!!”
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he’s gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
“Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?”
With his last breath Pepe calls out:
“Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!”
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