Posted on 12/24/2014 11:26:58 PM PST by billys kid
Death of a loved one I know it's late. However my husband passed away October 1st. And I'm not coping very well. He had just turned 56 in August. I miss him so very much. Any help would very much be appreciated.
“Grieve not nor speak of me with tears,
but smile and laugh as if I were beside you,
I loved you so...Twas Heaven here with you.”
Time and prayer will heal your sorrow. You are not alone and do not isolate yourself. Try to seek our a grief support group at a local church or other organization. Prayers up for you.
Having clicked to open the thread, I’m left chagrined with no advice to give. So far, I’ve been blessed to not be in your shoes.
But I couldn’t just pass up a plea from the wounded.
Good on you to come to FReepers, billys kid. It’s Christmas, and it feels like “everybody but me is home with loved ones.”
Me personally, I’m working extended hours (posting from work right now) so coworkers can be with their distant kinfolk. My Darling, laboring to move two households’ worth of goods since mid-November, will not be home to greet me upon my return. He’s road-tripping 300 miles thru the mountains to pick up his minor child for a week’s visit. If we’re lucky, they’ll get in just in time for me to come back in to work. What with his sleep deprivation & sheer exhaustion, I hope to not be in your shoes for at least the next 24 hours, billys kid. Trying to not dwell on it. I’ve been throwing myself a little pity party, pre-resenting how not-fun I’m going to be to a lively little boy being stifled so that I can sleep daytimes before returning to work each night.
But just so long as they make it safely... Because it could be worse. Cold comfort for you billys kid, but thank you for reminding me of that.
Before my leaving for work tonight, he pulled me aside & informed me that a dear friend passed just yesterday. The ****ed cancer. She leaves behind a husband & stepchild who loved her dearly, and I grieve for them. For you too, now. I’m so sorry.
So I was playing Pandora in the background and the song I wanted played at her funeral just came on.
Damnit! I hate crying.
51 year old man. I shouldn’t be crying.
She was so much fun but, I know she is with God.
Here is the song:
Goodbye my Friend
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyR2j_RNG98
I am sorry for your loss. I pray that you will have peace and healing.
I understand, when my dad passed I didn’t think that anything or anybody could fill that void, but lo and behold it was the memory and love of my Dad that actually filled that void. it took time and tho my husband was a snorer, when he while sleeping was silent i would shake him until i could hear him snoring away. I didn’t like the silence. We creatures of God are so strange.
I hope your fellow freepers help you find some comfort....and that you can find the happy memories to soothe the sorrow as the holidays come and go.
I will be keeping you in my prayers all through the new year.
Ernie
My deepest condolences. I, too, have lost my husband and understand your pain all too well. It’s no surprise that you’re not coping well. It’s been a very brief time since his passing — very, very brief. This is your first holiday season without him, and that is HUGE. In fact, all the firsts are huge. At least they were for me. First birthday, first anniversary, even the first changings of the seasons.
I would encourage you not to set a timeline for an “appropriate” time to grieve. If you don’t meet that artificial timeline, you’re likely to heap guilt or shame on yourself. This would be counterproductive.
Be gentle with yourself. Cry, kick, scream when you need to. Don’t hold back. You will be reminded of your loss at the most unexpected times and places. I would be in the grocery store and see something he really liked or that I loved surprising him with it. I couldn’t hold the tears back. Smells will remind you, and there’s no way to predict where or when that will happen. Or a song on the radio, etc. If you can’t hold the tears back, make sure you have Kleenex in your purse for such occasions. (I’d save the kicking and screaming for when you’re at home. ;-))
Contact some local hospices in the area. They have bereavement programs that you should be able to avail yourself to. Your loved one doesn’t have to have been on service with the hospice for you to be able to participate. I recommend contacting more than one simply because they all do their bereavement programs differently. Determine which one best meets your needs. If you know anyone who’s had a loved one die on hospice care and who participated in their bereavement program, ask them if they thought the program was thorough and helpful.
Find a friend or family member (or maybe even a new friend in a bereavement group) who will listen to you when you hit the rough patches. Make sure they understand that you’re not asking them to fix it. You just need someone to listen with compassion. Ignore people who tell you not to cry, not to be sad, or that it’s time for you to move on. They mean well, but their “advice” is worth what you paid for it.
If after a particular period of time you see that you’re not able to get on with your life or function normally (you will know when that time is), you may want to receive professional help to assist you in processing one of the most life-changing and significant events that can happen in your life. Heck, for that matter, you could do that now if you wanted. You would be the one to determine if you’re stuck and need help moving on. Until then, I recommend the things I mentioned above. Know that there are folks out here who understand and would NEVER judge you for how you’re handling your grief. You’re not alone. Not by a long shot.
I’ve saved the most important part till last. When I lost my husband, I wasn’t a believer. This was a definite disadvantage in my grieving process. I became a Christian about 10 years after his passing. All things are better when you’re a relationship with the Lord. Since I don’t know you, I realize it’s possible that you already are a woman of faith and that I’m preaching to the choir. If that’s the case, I believe the Lord put it on my heart to add it because He wanted someone reading here tonight to hear it.
It hurts not to have the one you love over the holidays... or most any other time of the year. :-(
Prayers for you.
Bless you. I get it and will try with all my ability to rise to the occasion. God Bless You and keep you under His care, for you are his and his soldier of love. And i thank you with all my heat,
Been there! Done that!
My husband’s death was sudden. He had left the house to go to work. Then I received the phone call from his boss. My husband had collapsed on the sidewalk near his office, and died.
I had been given no time before that to gradually accept his death.
But I did! And if I can, so can you. I was sure that I could never enjoy another minute in my own life. I was wrong.
I’m sending prayers for you, especially at this Christmas time. God loves you.
What can one say that would ease the very real pain you find yourself having to endure, I wish I knew because I feel for you and your burden at this moment and would like nothing more than to help...the time comes for almost all of us...and when mine gets here I know that I will need the Holy Ghost to get me through it. If you’re a spiritual person, you will understand the essence of your husband (his spirit)is not forever lost to you. Heaven awaits for reunion with our loved ones. Please, if you’re not doing so already, I recommend grief counseling (preferably group therapy.)
God Bless.
So sorry. Mine died in 2006 just 2 years after our younger daughter died. I still have dreams and they seem so real. We had a small company which our other daughter runs. She and the other employees see him all the time at the company. I know some do not believe in that but my sil who thought we were nuts, has seen him at work, too. In some of the dreams he says what he always asked us, “did you learn something?” I do not know where my family gets this “gift” but my mom was the same way. We never dared to misbehave because she would know. My grandson who is 28 showed this ability when he was about 4. Now, my granddaughter is very sensitive to things around her. She is nearly 7 and when she was about 3/4 she would not go in a hall at her daddy’s grandmother’s. It was like she was spooked by something there. We just accept it for what it is-— nothing nusual. My great grandmother was a Cherokee and we say it is from her. Who knows? We are just odd! We are blessed.
I have precious memories of my family members who have gone on and they are precious.
Crying is never wrong. They show we have deep feelings. They have a cleansing effect too.
I am just thinking about some times with her.
She was sohhh funny.
Would call me up when I was in Tahoe and wanted to know if I would come over, then hang up.
I don’t know how many times I got back in my car and drove all the way back...
I met my husband on the Mississippi State University campus in 1962. We were together from then on. He was the most intelligent, caring person I ever met. He majored in physics but never studied. We had a few classes together. I would study but he always made better grades. He was just gifted and had a lot of common sense. He started our company in our basement. Our daughter and her family run it now.
Just cherish the time youall were able to spend together — I buried my son on his 27th birthday, almost 30 years ago. He has never left my dreams and waking thoughts. But my Father in Heaven understands, and comforts.
Lost Dad in 06 and then Mom in 07 and Sweetheart of my life in 2011. I found him on the floor not breathing. Called 911. He was not cold or stiff, I actually thought he was warm, so 911 had me try to save him. They wanted to know the address. Mind went blank and I ran quarter mile to the mailbox to read the address off the mailbox. In retrospect I could have read it off the bills sitting on the table. You will just never know what you will do until it happens.
The paramedics got there in 20 minutes and said he had been dead for 3 hours.
Coping is a personal thing. Do what you need to do. I still wear his T-shirts and his cologne. The rest of the world doesn't think I'm doing all that well, but I am happy doing that.
BK,
I lost my wife - literally the “girl-next-door” - when she was 28 to breast cancer. That was many, many moons ago and she remains in my thoughts every day.
We don’t understand why some things happen in life but we must trust in God and His perfect wisdom.
I can only offer my heartfelt condolences but please know you had a long time together and those memories will always be in your heart.
Time does help ease the hurt as well as knowing he would want you to rejoice in the time you had together.
God bless....
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