“I been out here for like nine years now...
Longest. Camping trip. Ever.”
You have internet...which means you have other things that is not the ordinary camping trip. And you have been out there for like nine years now...
Give us a break...
There are these beeber-like devises that tap into the internet via cell signals now, you know. Even hand-crank chargers for them.
Apparently you dumped your ability to grasp humor.