You are correct and of course this is satire. Most Crimeans consider themselves to be Russian. Sadly, we are already at the stage where a significant number of California residents identify more as Mexicans than as Americans. The real problem we will have though will manifest itself in bankruptcy long before any secessionist activity takes place.
There is an interesting parallel with Crimea and California.
If we were to allow California to secede, we would retake the ports one way or another.
And you can bet some freepers will be perfectly happy to see California become part of Mexico after a “legitimate” vote too