Posted on 07/12/2013 11:42:18 PM PDT by wac3rd
I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.
There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.
I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).
I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.
I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.
I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.
Any advice would be appreciated.
You have not even been married long enough to complain this much! You haven’t earned the right yet...God had a reason when He told people to marry, in marriage you learn to be unselfish. Sounds like you don’t get it yet. JEsse Lee Peterson can give you great advice on his radio show. OR Roy Masters...fhu.com. Good luck
Dr. Laura once read a letter from a couple who had been in your circumstances some years before. Because of the kids, they promised each other to be nice to each other, and to stay together until the kids no longer needed the effective parenting.
By the time the kids grew up and out, the couple discovered that they really loved each other, and they stayed together.
I have never forgotten that, and try to remember it whenever my wife does something that annoys me, and I hope she does on those far more frequent occasions when I do something that annoys her. :)
Make it YOUR responsibility for her to want to be with you instead of hers. You sound resentful of her friends. Facilitate her friendships. Offer to babysit so she can go out, etc.
You have a negative cycle going on. You are depressed, so she has even less interest in being around. Change your behavior (whether you feel it or not.)
And you can’t try it once then give up and say it didn’t work. Positive cycles take time like the negatives ones.
I kicked my wife out of the bedroom years ago because of snoring and smelly feet. She managed get back in for a couple of years when my daughter was born but I kicked her out again. It’s nothing personal.
He’s right though, I have my two sons as example, one is married 20 yrs, overcame all the things you are talking about and is in love with his wife. His kids are healthy, happy and achievers. His wife went to school when the kids got older and makes money up the wazoo, they still live on his income and spend her money on fun, investments and savings. The kids are almost grown and the oldest has scholarships to pay for her college including room and board. Both the kids have jobs.
My other son is divorced, his wife was, like you are today, looking for excitement and adventure, not the mundane, up and down life that marriage is. Their children have had a really tough life. They have spent most of their life alone because a judge allowed their mother to move across the country. Their mother works a little, parties a lot, doesn’t even provide all the basic needs for them, while my son sends her over a third of his take home pay.
I buy just about everything they need except the roof over their heads which is in the highest crime area in their city. They sit alone in an apartment while she works part time and parties full time.
Oh yeah, I’ve been married 42 years, there have been times when I plotted his death, lol. We are very happy and I can say that we’ve been happy for most of the time but in the bad times you just plod through it.
I have watched so many of my friends divorce and remarry and have all the same problems as in the first, second and third marriage. So many of them have never found happiness and contentment. They found the grass was not greener and their children suffered greatly and as a rule, are less successful than the kids who grew up with their dysfunctional married parents.
So true!
Maybe he should flirt a little with other women when his wife is around. See how she reacts.
I would say you have another 10 years to get your kids raised and then get out of this situation and get on with your life. Not knowing what caused this change in her or you I would not give any advice on how to deal with it other than to talk to her and try to determine what her problem is or what she perceives you have done wrong. If she wants the marriage to work she will cooperate with trying to get it back on track....if not you just have to wait it out .
Deep advice.
There is some advice on this subject in the Kirk Cameron movie,”Fireproof”.
Put the WIFE first. Putting the kids first is where problems arise.
I know what you mean, as a young mother I identified with my friends because we were all raising our kids and had a lot to talk about because our kids became our main focus.
One day my husband had to go out of town and wanted me to go with him. I didn’t want to leave the kids because I worked part time and was working the next day. We had a fight and he was going to go alone and I said I wished he had 4 flat tires. So I ended up going with him and no lie, we had 4 flats. We got the first one fixed before we left town, had another in the first 10 miles and used the spare, had another one at about 40 miles and an acquaintance with the same kind of wheel stopped and loaned us his spare. We made it to the next town with a low tire. It turned out that the tires were defective but I never said that I hoped anything bad would happen ever a again and I still kind of panic when others do.
While it was a harrowing day we still laugh about the incident to this day and in 42 years we’ve had a lot of crazy days.
Some good advice I heard along the way:
“Fake it until you make it.”
When the emotions are not there, sometimes it’s a matter of sheer will. Eventually the emotions will catch up and supercede the will.
Child of divorce here. If you can avoid divorce, I beg you to do so. Unless there is an overwhelming reason to separate (like physical abuse), your children will suffer FOREVER from this, and I don’t care WHAT the headshrinkers say.
Oh, they may be able to live with it, as I have been, but even 30 years on, it still affects me terribly.
Parents of young children, like you are, often go through what is happening in your house. My own household went through it, and you know what? It can get better, but it does take some effort. Maybe your wife’s body has changed so much that she doesn’t even recognize herself and no longer feels attractive. You can help her with that! If she doesn’t smile anymore, smile at her. Tell her how pretty she looks today. Tell her that the supper she just cooked was delicious. Mention a funny time you had together when you were dating, and remind her about how happy you were on your wedding day.
You’d be amazed at how such little things can cheer up a girl who may just need a little confidence boost.
Anyway, give it a try. It certainly can’t hurt, and it could save your marriage and spare your children incredible hurt.
Good luck.
Regards,
You both have your health? You both have employment? You have healthy children? You have a roof over your heads? And you want to give all this up, because you’re not getting enough sex? Get a hobby. Spend more time helping your children learn and thrive. Grow up.
A divorce is the punishment for a failed marriage.
Get Dr. Laura’s “Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage”.
For real.
I don’t understand it, but it is not mine to understand.
I’m a long suffering sort of fellow so I kinda get it, but 9 times?
Holy wow!
Neil certainly has been through a lot.
Advice ? Don’t do it unless you plan on winning ... take all the money ahead of time , retain a great lawyer and fight like it’s a murder trial.
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