Posted on 11/30/2012 4:40:26 AM PST by Lucky9teen
“Texas executes last remaining citizen.”
LMAO
WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO top 50
test
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
“Hi. I’ve never posted on this thread before, so I am not sure what qualifies as a silly post. Do you allow like, really stupid jokes?”
Can I ask you a rhetoricle question?
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS MOTHER
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her
father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not! I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘’Never mind
sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’’
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘’Aren’t you going to return the other dress?
You really don’t have another occasion where
you could wear it.”
Her mother just
smiled and replied, ‘’Of course I do,dear.....I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.’’
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and
your a$$ is disconnected!
No.
Woman charged for sex with human skeleton...
How much?
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I’m very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.
The other night I asked a lawyer friend of mine if I could ask him a couple of questions if I paid him $50.
He said, "Sure! What's the second question?"
MORE COWBELL!!!
FMCDH(BITS)
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our
wings...We simply continue to fly ...On a broomstick.....
We are flexible like that.
knock knock.
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
Amos quito just bit me.
knock knock.
Who’s there?
Andy.
Andy who?
Andy bit me again!
WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT
1 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD...
Click here: http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html
The other day my wife said to me "Honey, let's run upstairs and have sex!"
I said "You're going to have to pick one Sweetie, run upstairs or sex."
So we had sex right there on the couch.
The hotel manager was PISSED.
It’s probably been posted before, but a friend just sent it to me:
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I
sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’
St.. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one
is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.
‘How many seconds in a year?’
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve?! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ‘
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was
not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’
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