Posted on 11/10/2011 9:50:19 AM PST by Feline_AIDS
Short version: What's the tactful way to tell a friend she's marrying a loser, and should I bother?
Long version: A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim boyfriend of two years. At many points along the way, I dropped subtle hints about how unwise it is for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. I'm not sure why she started dating him in the first place, but I have three guesses from observing the relationship from the beginning. 1) He pursued her relentlessly. 2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program. 3) She desperately wants to be married and have kids.
Her family has objected to the relationship since day 1, and I've never been supportive either. I think everyone thought she would realize what a terrible idea he was and ditch him. Unfortunately, she's also pretty depressed and not receiving treatment. The depression started when they started dating.
This guy is the definition of a loser. He's been in a graduate program for the better part of a decade, has yet to even finish the first major milestone in that degree, and the end is nowhere in sight. They both are racking up debt like nobody's business, too. He can and does pontificate on liberal talking points and Islamic apologetics. He has few friends because he is an insufferable loud-talker who must always be right.
She basically broke her father's heart when she started dating this guy, so becoming engaged must have just ripped her old man's heart right out of his chest. I'm pretty sure that once they get married, the Muslim will want to move away from her family, because I can't imagine him hanging around where he's disliked.
He's the kind of Muslim who feels allegiance to Islam over his American citizenship in a political, principled way that has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with "identity." In my mind, he's the kind of guy who would radicalize because of some "injustice" somewhere, try to force his wife to convert, and saw her head off with a dull knife if she protested. The closest I ever came to telling her to run, not walk, away from this guy was when I said I worried he'd turn her into a liberal or Muslim, which she assured me would never be the case.
So how do I tell my friend that she should ditch this guy, go see a therapist or doctor, punch herself in the face for ever entertaining such a stupid idea as marrying this fool, and then for the rest of her life listen to her parents when they disapprove of a big life decision she's making, because they're probably right? I don't think any of her other friends have ever said anything negative or cautionary about this guy.
Pros of saying something:
-Friend might not go through a terrible divorce or
-Friend might not go through a terrible beheading
-Clear conscience
-It's the right thing to do, I think
Cons:
-Will likely worsen her depression
-Will certainly complicate if not ruin our friendship
Show her the 10 minute youtube video “Fitna”, the one Theo Van Gough was murdered for creating.
Most middle eastern men are passive aggressive which could be why your friend exhibited symptoms of depression right around the time she met him. There is no better way to bring on depression than dealing with a passive-aggressive mate. If you ask me how I know, I will tell you that I once dated a passive-aggressive man for about 1.5 years and not one day went by that I didn’t either cry myself to sleep or tear up over something. Our very first date left me sobbing but it took another year-and-a-half to figure out what was going on.
Middle eastern men also pursue females relentlessly, spreading compliments and promising anything it takes to get their way. As American men do not usually behave this way, it can be hard to resist.
I dated a middle eastern man once, and I mean one time. When on our first date he asked me to marry him, that was it for me. Since our relationship was so short-lived, it was pretty easy to ditch him but once they’ve got their hooks in you, it can be very very hard.
In my opinion it is imperative that you sit down with her, perhaps take her out to dinner and maybe even print out this entire thread. The relentless posts about the Sally Fields movie should give you both a few laughs midst the seriousness of your concerns.
And no matter whatever you decide to do or say, you cannot make a mistake. So go do the right thing.
If this guy is the quintessential arrogant islamoslime that you describe, then he’s got to be a brazen horndog as well.
Daddy needs to pay someone to tail him for a week. Odds are good that the dirtball picks up chicks in his ample spare time. Anonymous tips by way of 8 x 10’s in mail may snap some sense into this young lady. Even the most open-minded skull of mush doesn’t take too kindly to this type of personal violation.
Good luck. You can always “joke” to her about looking at the bright side... he only wants to kill her when he’s drunk.
Hopefully she didn’t have children in the marriage!! I was literally BORN into that cult, my father being a big wig in it; did all the P.R. stuff for any media in Western NY.
I’m 51 now but left the cult officially 10 years ago. They have literature on how to win custody if you are a JW seeking to get your children away from a “non-believer.”
Anytime someone talks about this subject, I simply whip out a list of stuff that you CAN’T do as a JW (the list is practically endless) and stuff you are REQUIRED to do.
Of course no JW “in good standing” tells any potential “recruit” this stuff.
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