If there's a government shutdown...the rise of the machines begins!
The pilot came back and said, "People, there are four of us but only three parachutes. I have to take one because I'm needed by the airline company. You three can figure out who gets the last two 'chutes." And with that he took a parachute and jumped out.
The smartest man in the world said, "The world needs me!" He grabbed a 'chute and jumped out.
"Son," the priest said to the boy scout, "You take the last parachute. I'm old and I've lived my life. I'm ready to meet my maker."
"Oh, its alright Father," the boy scout replied. "The smartest man in the world took my knapsack."
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Subject: FW: What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”
All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:
** Lord’s prayer:..........................................................66 words.
** Archimedes’ Principle: .............................................67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words.
** Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words.
** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words.
** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words.
** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
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Truths For Mature Adults:
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment, when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection......again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.
16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it , “ he tells his wife , “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad , once I’ve hit the ball , I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says , “Why don’t you take my brother with you , and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good , “ sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three , “ says the wife , “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up , takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law , “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did , “ says the brother-in-law , “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
I found this shocking picture. It's a picture of the world's largest hand!!!
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows
up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked
her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents proudly beamed.
“Wow...what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you
don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. Tell you what - you can come
over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay
you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
and give it to him so he can buy groceries and have money to save towards buying a new house. How about doing something wonderful like that?”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye
and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
X-Men Hangover.
X-Men Hangover.
Birth certificate! BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!
here, I'll show you a birth certificate.