Posted on 02/16/2011 9:31:50 AM PST by JamesP81
I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this that would understand. I don't expect FR too either, but it's as good a place as any to vent.
You know what I do? I get up every day and go to work. I do my job and get my work done. I come home. I do it again the next day. And then again, and again, and again.
When I am dead, the most anyone will ever say about me is "he went to work ever day". If I were to simply drop dead, everything would pretty much be as if I had never lived. I have accomplished nothing noteworthy and I don't expect to. When my life is over with, the world will not be a better place, no one's lives will have been improved, and the evil that lives in the world will not have been pushed back.
This leaves me feeling....sick inside my soul. As if something is very, very wrong. The only thing I really look forward to is burying myself in the mundane of the normal to the degree that I do not think about these things. By and large this works, but some days I take my head out of the sand, and the result of that is days like today.
I've tried many things. When I was in school, I spent time every week in a nursing home. It did the folks there good to see anybody. But it did not fill the void. I am a blackbelt in karate and used to exercise a lot. It was good for me, but it did not fill the void. I have good friends, but I don't see them as much as I used to. We're all out of college, have jobs, and some have kids now. But even during the heyday of college, I couldn't fill the void with other people. I have hobbies. They're fun, but they leave me empty. I don't want to drop everything and be a drifter, but I don't want to sit still. I am not into carousing and having casual sex with whatever comes along. Never have been, and I'm fairly certain it would make me feel worse. I am a Christian; I do not speak to God as much as I should, but I do at times. He is supposed to have purpose for me, but I don't know what it is. I hope He has something for me other than work 9-5 until I'm dead.
A lot of people will say that your purpose is what you make of it. Every bit of evidence and observation I have tells me that's true. Yet I don't believe it, and never have.
In before "man up you wuss".
I have found that one of the most profound choices you have to make is how you deal with the boredom that life starts to present you as you get older. Some folks turn to drugs or alcohol, others to God, some are just too busy with marriage and children to even contemplate the notion, others become workaholics. But really, it's up to you to decide what will give meaning to getting out of bed in the morning - or even if you want your life to have meaning. And I am not being flippant there. It sounds like you WANT to have some meaning, and just don't know where to take it.
I don't have kids, so I look at what my parents have said - that how they raised their kids is what matters most to them now that they are both approaching 80.
Yes, I rescue Greyhounds, but I also have a chihuahua, a poodle, and min-pin mix (all rescues).
And I have four cats (all rescues).
We have a full house. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Cheer up, friend...at least you’re WORKING. Praise G-d!
it is not too late to join the military. ponder the possibilities... and there are many of them. change what you can, accept what you must, but never ever settle.
I’m going to check back in later this evening when I’m at home. I’m about to fall to pieces right here at my desk, which would garner more attention than I’d prefer. I have to man up and bury this for 5 more hours and I’ll be back.
There is a reason they call it surrender...your time will come. In the meantime find a good local church group and get involved but make sure you are doing things that you love and are passionate about - FOR YOU.
...and you live in Kentucky? Praise G-d again...you could be in Massachusetts.
A wife and sushi. Awesome life indeed.
I agree with your post. Life is hard. Even Christ said it would be.
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningful.
Ok promise us you won’t do something silly.
Seriously, isn't this kind of outlook what makes it so easy for jihadi’s to recruit? I know what you feel but Life is not a curse! It's a gift. From God or whatever you choose to believe. Everyone here has, or will have the same feelings you are feeling. It's just how you deal with it. I choose to live my mostly mundane life secure in the knowledge that I do have a purpose. Your trials are preparing you for something great! Believe it.
Amen, amen, amen! See the tagline...
Agreed, except for kittens and hot peppers.
Hey, when I was about your age, I was in a job - the only one I had like this - where it was all I could do to drive to work and go in the door. I don't know if it was my age at the time, the job, or what, but I've been there, done that.
This too shall pass. I've have learned to find more satisfaction in the smaller things in life that I used to just take for granted, but I've got over 20 years on you (I'm 50) and used to live more for adrenaline, so maybe I just got old(er).
I care, James.
What is the nature of your confusion?
I have found that I’m more optimistic in the early part of a decade of my life than the later parts.
For instance, in my late 20’s I felt that I was getting old.
Then in my early 30’s, I felt young again.
Hitting each 10 yr. milestone has felt like a reset.
I let the neighborhood cats stay in my garage...bedding, food; the whole nine yards. Their damn owners won't take care of them, so...my indoor rescues hate me for it. I tell them to suck it up.
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